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Archive for April, 2009

Uni Will Be Lonley

I’ve made my uni choices today and it means I’m going to be a pretty lonley person at uni, since I’ll be able to stay at home and not live in halls or student accomodation, which means my chances of making any friends there are pratcially nothing. I realised this when I made the decision but I just think I’m not really for that yet. The only uni I applied to that I would have to have led me to going away from home for, the course wasn’t as good and the halls weren’t very good.

I’ve made my bed. Now it’s waiting to lie in it and have a miserale time in it. Oh well, I’ll still have my old friends (although not really, since they’ll all be going away) and I’ll still be able to contact them through the internet, and of course talk to my internet friends. I’ll also have my PS3. Life won’t be too bad.

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The Child vs The Adult

As a child
I enjoy the company of others
I love my friends most dear
I like meeting new people
I have nothing to fear

As an adult
I am suspitious of others
I suspect friends don’t want me here
I dislike meeting new people
I have everything to fear

As myself
The paths converge
I try to take both routes
I cannot reconcile the views
I simply write these poems, these flutes
Of sadness

Working Myself Up, Letting Myself Down

Oops, I did it again. I’ve worked myself up into thinking I should ask someone out when really it’s the most outlandish idea in the entire world. I do it every single time, although this time it’s slightly different. Usually I work myself up about these things and then let myself down because they’ve either got a boyfriend or I haven’t the courage to ask them out. This time they don’t have a boyfriend and I’ve realise it’s pointless even thinking about asking them out.

Why, I hear you ask? It’s because I’ve realised that we have hardly anything in common except a self-deprecating tendancy (her much more so than me though). She loves sports and exersise e.t.c, and I like playing video games and watching TV. We’d never be good as a couple, so I might as well keep her as a friend. This reasoning is a lot better on the mind than the usual reasons.

I Have The Answer

With regards to my friend who I talked about in the second half of this post, I think I have the answer. I’ve been making too much of an effort to make sure she doesn’t still hate my after what happened several years ago (even though she never said to me she did, but she must have) that I was actually alienating her from me. So I’m going to draw back a little a be a tad less friendly (not probably noticbly, and not in a bad way either) to her in the hope she’ll get less annoyed with me all the time and so will be better friends with me! Or it might not work. We’ll see…

Two People’s Feelings

I’ve been in college (college in U.K terms, not U.S terms) for over 1 ½ years and for most of that time there was this girl I knew but she wasn’t exactly my friend, but I’ve talked a bit to her in college before.

However, for the last few days I’ve started talking to her on MSN. So far what we’ve mostly talked about is her emotional problems and eating problems. You see, she is very, very beautiful, but she doesn’t see it, and in fact she think she’s too fat when she is like the slimmest person I’ve ever seen. This problem has been evident on Facebook and I’ve previously commented on her stuff on Facebook that is self-deprecating. The thing is, ever since I first met her I kind of fancied her, but more in the sort of “yeah, she’s fit” kinda way, but now hearing about her problems I am kind of getting the (silly) idea that I should, and want to, go out with her and at the same time make her feel better about herself.

However, I’m don’t really want to ask her directly but instead kind of drop hints in the hope she picks up on them. The only trouble with that is, if she ignores them it will get very weird between us and she’ll probably hate me. I don’t really know what to do. She probably wouldn’t want to go out with my anway, and I’m not really that close to her so I feel like I’m jumping the gun here. I’m going to ask one of my friends for advice, I think.

I’m Alone. Nobody Cares. Why Would They?

I don’t understand my friends. They just don’t care about me. I make lots of effort to be a brilliant friend to them and what do I get in return? Nothing. Usually that wouldn’t bother me but today it does. I’ve had enough of having friends that I make tonnes of effort with not caring about me at all. I can’t blame them though, really. Why would they care about me? I’m just stupid old me, hanging around in the background every day, annoying with quotes from The Simpsons, or Family Guy, or various films, or whatever. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t like me if I was friends with me. I would probably hate me. I don’t deserve my friends, it’s that simple. I might as well just stay away from them, it would make everyone’s lives so much better, I think. My entire exsistance is rather pointless, actually, when I think about it really. A really rubbish robot could do a better job of being me than I could, I think. Just program in a lot of film and TV quotes and it would be just like me, probably better.

But would it really kill them to invite me over once in a while, or even once in a blue moon? Could a certain person (E) not even pretend that she actually likes me at all? Most of the others are just lazy but I swear she actually activly tries to stop me going anywhere near her in any place aside from college, because she can’t exactly tell me to just go away then because then I’d actually realise she hates me. It doesn’t really matter though, since I knows she hates me, so it’s a simple case of us both pretending she doesn’t hate me while I continue to make her try and not hate me becuase she is my best friend, even if she doesn’t feel the same way in return, but hates me instead. Perhaps I should ask her “Why do you hate me?”, but no, I shouldn’t because then that will just make her angry, she’d probably say “what the hell are you going on about, I don’t hate you!”. But she can say that all she wants, I know the truth. I can’t understand why she has to pretend. If she hates me, she should just say. But she’s too nice for that. But not too nice to not hate me in the first place.

Alcohol and the Truth

What is it about alcohol that makes you more relaxed, easier for you to be yourself and tell the truth? The last party I went to, for example, that I talked about in a previous post a day ago. I freely admitted to my few friends that was assembled there that I, a guy of 17 years of age, had never kissed a girl before, a fact unbelieveably embarassing, yet I said it. It wasn’t just that though. I also wasn’t embarassed to hug a friend and tell him how much I appreciated him, especially since there was one person attending the party that would take the piss out of that no end. I’m still glad I said it in a way.

I suppose this goes to show that I was wrong about alcohol. Yes, it can be damaging to your health. But, for shy people like me, it gives shy people the oppertunity to be themselves with confidence, something that would help them, and me, a lot.

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