Travel Plans Progressing

I posted a few weeks ago about how I want to do a bit of travelling. Well, in my last ever uni seminar the other day, during the break, somebody mentioned that there are cheap coaches to several European cities from London. I mentioned this on my Facebook to see if any of my friends wanted to go. Well, J-R posted a comment saying she’d like to go again (she’s been before) with me and M. I asked if she would be willing to do it with some of my other friends too but she didn’t respond.

Well, today I started talking to J-R on fb chat and I slowly steered the conversation towards discussing it. I asked if she was serious and she said yes. I asked who she wanted to go with and she said M and J-A (M’s boyfriend and one of my best friends). I asked J-R if she wanted to invite her boyfriend and she said:

nah coz he lives in kent
we arnt mega mega close
not like [J-A & M]

So, if this does happen, it will be just me, J-R, who by the sounds of it won’t be with her boyfriend by that time, and M and J-A. i.e. a couple and me and her, two single people. If that doesn’t sound like a trip engineered for something to possibly happen between me and J-R, I dunno what is. Okay, maybe I’m overthinking it. Maybe it’s just innocent. But I can’t help feeling slightly hopeful…

An Incongruous Question

When I visited M the other weekend, she asked me a question. It was a question that puzzled me at the time but I’d forgotten to mention on here. It was question I did not want to answer, could not answer, and one she should not have asked.

She said to me: “J (her boyfriend and one of my best friends) said that he thought that you used to like me when I first came into the [friendship] group.” Then she asked me: “Is that true?”, quickly adding “you don’t have to answer if you don’t want, I’m just curious.”

Why would you ask such a question? Why would you expect an honest response to such a question?

I must confess that I did like her, actually for quite a long time, until the end of college (almost 2 years). I still kind of like her, actually. But at the same time I knew my place. J and M quickly got together, and I was happy for them. They were such a cute couple, and still are, and I think they will last a long time. I knew that I could not give in to my feelings, because it would be wrong to do so. I am not the type of person who would do that. I have quite a strong sense, especially for these times, of friendship, honor and chivalry. It forms a strong part of who I am. To not follow these ideals would give me no positives about myself to draw on. So, just like I could not show my feelings then, so I could not show my feelings now. I simply said to her “I can’t remember, it was so long ago”, and left it at that. She didn’t push it any further, and apologised for asking it.

Yet I still can’t understand why she would ask me this. For me to answer such a question does nobody any good. I have to keep my mouth shut, just like I had to keep those feelings shut up. No good can come of either.

Last Weekend & The New Girl

Last weekend I visited a friend, M, at her uni. On the same weekend, this girl who I’d met before, who is a friend of M’s and who I’ve talked to about relationships (including J-O) before (although only through fb chat), was visiting too. So I thought this might be a good opportunity to get to know her better in person.

We spent most of the time with M and her housemates, who were all a bit geeky, to varying degrees. We spent the early afternoon playing on M’s Xbox and I started drinking a bit before everyone else. Eventually we all headed to a pub, where we had dinner and each bought a round of two mixer jugs (as it was a Wetherspoons and they do a deal on that). This was when my level of drunkness peaked and, if I’m honest, I was concentrating on drinking more than interacting with everyone else (which, if anything, thinking about it, is just an excuse to be shy; I can’t talk because I’m busy drinking).

We left the pub at about 22:30, heading back to their house. When we got there more of M’s friends arrived and we played Mario Kart Wii for several hours. Again I didn’t interact much with the others. Firstly this was because I was concentrating on getting used to the Wii controls (I’ve never used a Wii before), but then everyone started talking about relationships, which I really did not want to talk about, so I stayed silent. Luckily, this was when everyone else’s drunkeness peaked, so they didn’t notice my shyness.

Finally, at about 3am, we began to wrap up Mario Kart and get the sofas ready for me and the girl to sleep on (one each, adjacent to each other). Everyone else said goodnight and we settled in for (what was left of) the night. Given my lack of interaction for the entire day with everyone, but especially with this girl (who I kinda like, if you didn’t already guess, though my Twitter followers may know already), I expected that we’d just go straight to sleep.

This didn’t happen, though. Instead, she decided to talk about M’s relationship problems, which I won’t go into. Then she began to discuss the day. She said how she liked M’s flatmates, that they seem really nice, that it’s a shame all but one of them be moving away next year (they are all second years but are moving for some reason I can’t remember). Then we moved onto discussing relationships, the topic being introduced by her via asked how me and J-O are doing. I said to her how I was trying to move on but that I didn’t think I would find anybody else soon. Then she started talking about her relationship, specifically her last one. She said that she wasn’t sure about starting a relationship at her uni or back here, since both would involve distance that she said she is keen to avoid, as her last relationship (which ended badly), was distance-based. I said that it is understandable. Then she said that she prefers to be friends first with guys, before going out with them. Immediately after she said that, she said she considered me to be a friend (which sounded suggestive to my mind, but might not actually be). She also said, a few minutes later I think, that her ideal guy would be a mix between the me and the 3 guys in the house. I pointed out that this was a strange ideal guy, based as it is on quite geeky people, though I can’t remember what was her response to this. She then said that I seemed quite quiet, perhaps because I was sobering up, and I agreed this probably was the cause, though I also said that it was also because they’d all started discussing relationships, which I didn’t want to talk about. She said ‘yeah, I think we peaked at different times, you were going down [in drunkeness] while I was still going up’. I’m not sure if that is significant in any way but it felt it at the time. She also suggested we visit M more often, and she said it would be good if I went at the same time as her because she ‘prefer[s] going with somebody else’ when visiting friends. I said that it sounded like a good idea (ok, that is probably just friendly but it does show she does want to spend time with me, for whatever reason).

So yeah, that was pretty much it. It was a mixed bag really, if looked at positively, or perhaps just friendly if looked at neutrally or negatively. I dunno. Maybe something will happen; maybe it won’t. It would be nice to have another friend at least. Interestingly, in the time since the weekend, I’ve found that her and J-O take up about the same amount of my thoughts. In a way I hope that it swings towards the former rather than the latter. Okay, the former isn’t exactly positive, but it’s better than dwelling on J-O; anything that’ll help me move on is good.

From now on this new girl I like will be referred to as J-R (I know it’s similar to J-O but it just makes it so much easier, for a reason I won’t disclose, but you might be able to guess). I doubt there will be many posts about her for now, but it may increase if (and I say if) anything happens. Which it probably won’t. But it’s nice to hope…

I Hit Back This Time

Several times J-O has asked me about if I liked a few of my female friends (such as E and M) and has pointed out a picture on Facebook where I jokingly took a picture of M’s cleavage as part of a long-running joke in my friends group. Several times I’ve told her I don’t like them, and that this picture was simply a joke. But she kept bringing it up every so often. When she brought it up today, I decided to fight back.

I pointed out a picture on Facebook she had taken with her friends, of one of them naked on the toilet, with just his hands covering his… you know. I said that despite this, I realised it was a joke, I trusted her. I said that to her. She said it was different, but when I asked how, she said it was ‘a picture of his personality’, which I did not understand at all. I said: ‘his personality is about sitting naked on the toilet?’ She said she didn’t look at his… you know… whereas I did. I told her that it was a long-running joke, that I did not start, that I was just continuing it in fun. She accepted this, but still didn’t seem happy.

It’s just annoying, that she makes me feel bad for her thinking, unjustifiably, that I liked other girls. I was annoyed that I had to feel bad, guilty, for her thinking this, when it’s not my fault she thinks this way. It’s annoying that I trust her and she doesn’t trust me. Yes, I know, the distance means she has reason to be cautious. But I have never shown myself to be anything other that trustworthy and faithful, so that’s why I’m annoyed.

I just hope that once we meet and she realises how genuine I am, she will trust me.

Every Single Time…

M was supposed to come over my house today, as she was back from uni for a few days. I thought she’d actually come this time, but still suspected she’d pull out. I was right. Shortly before she was going to be here I got a phone call from her saying she couldn’t come because she had to help her sister move stuff because her sister wasn’t feeling well. I swear this happens every single time these days. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. I know that they are all valid reasons, but it does get really annoying. I think from now on, I’ll work on the assumption that she won’t be able to make it, to avoid disappointment. That might work. This time it was even her idea to come over, which is very unusual. We have re-arranged it for Tuesday, but since I’ve got work at 4 that day, I doubt she’ll be here for any more than 2 hours. Oh well. At least it is some company for once.

Abundant Rabbits and Friendly Squirrels

The other day I went to visit M at Chichester University where she has just started (she did a third year at college you see).  I had quite a good time, we watched some DVDs, walked around the town and I met some of her friends and finally got first-hand experience of halls (if you don’t read my blog regularly, I’m a student living at home). It – not for the first time, and probably not the last – made me think that I probably should have gone into halls. I’ve missed out on so many friends, good times and great stories. Well, that’s just me I suppose. Always missing out on the fun because of my shyness and dislike of change and challenges.

Anyway, enough of my self-indulgent and depressing reflections, it’s time to come back to the title of this post, which held out so much promise of good things. Rabbits and squirrels.

When I visited Chichester, M told me about the abundance of rabbits hopping about the campus. And she was right. We saw several rabbits wandering around, a few adults and some really cute baby ones. It was strange, and I couldn’t work out why they were there. Were they wild? If so, why were they hanging around a university campus? Or are they let out by the uni? If so, how do they stop them hopping away? I can’t get my head around it.

But then that’s not the only strange animal phenomenon I noticed there. There was this park near M’s halls which was full of squirrels and for some reason, they were very, very friendly. I know this because in the Southampton Common, if a squirrel is about he’ll scamper straight up a tree. But not these ones. They’d happily come up to you if you extend a hand out to them. I don’t understand how this could have happened, unless maybe they were released into the ‘semi-wild’ after being recovered from some injuries or something but couldn’t be put back in the ‘wild proper’. Anyone have an answer?

6 Month Anniversary Coming Up

Next month is me and J-O’s 6 month ‘being together’ anniversary. I can’t believe we’ve been together 6 months. It feels like longer, but at the same time shorter, if you know what I mean. I’ve recently taken to saying ‘I love you’ and she has also said it a few times, although sometimes when I say it she doesn’t say it back. But I’m not too worried about it, since I know that I’m the more emotionally impulsive one when it comes to these things. I’ve decided that I wanted to get her something for this special occasion. I decided on a heart necklace, and after a few days looking and deciding, I settled on the one shown on the left hand side here. I did think about going for a fancier, more expensive-looking one, but after asking M for her advice she suggested simplicity was the best way to go, so I chose this. I hope she likes it. I’m sure she will. I reckon it’ll only be another 2 months after that until we see each other. I can’t wait.

Study: ‘Falling in love costs you friends’

A study has just come out, saying that falling in love costs you friends. It says that when you are in a relationship, your circle of close friends is reduced by two – one best friend is lost, and another replaced by your new lover (i.e your circle of best friends is reduced by one and another person is replaced with your boyfriend/girlfriend). This is concerning to me, especially with the upcoming arrival of J-O in a few months. In fact, it is a matter I have touched on about a year ago. I don’t want to lose any of my close friends. I know what it’s like to almost lose a friend when they fall in love – I don’t want to inflict that sort of pain when me and J-O get together. I know how much my friends get annoyed – and even angry – at how M and J withdrew into themselves when they started going out. We hardly ever saw them this summer.

I’m not going to let it get like that. I won’t not go to an event just because J-O can’t go. I won’t stop want to see my friends just so I can spend every minute of every day with J-O. People need to see more than one person for their emotional well-being. Not to mention that a relationship must surly stagnate if you’re around each other 24/7. I’m sure I can’t be the only one to feel this way.

I Wish I Could Just Get On A Plane…

Last night, when trying to get to sleep, I suddenly thought ‘I wish I could just get on a plane and visit her’. What probably prompted this thought was when my friend J said that him and M were going to visit Bulgaria and joked (I think it was a joke anyway) that I could come along with them and see J-O. However, looking back on it I’m not even sure he said that. The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that I dreamt he said that, or imagined it somehow. Anyway, I would love to visit her in Bulgaria. I have time – 3 months (from today) to be exact in which I could do it.

There are only several major problems with this idea. Firstly, how to explain about J-O to my parents and then convince them to go on my own or with J and M (if it turns out I didn’t dream J saying that). If that wasn’t difficult enough, I’d have to then organise it, spend lots of money on flights and converting currency to spend while I’m there. (Oh yeah and I’ve talked to J-O and she said I could stay at hers rather than stay in a hotel, so that would save a lot of money) And I’d have to ask work if they’d give me a week off, which I’m not sure they will do even though they’re always very accommodating.

And this is all presuming J-O’s parents can be convinced to let a-random-stranger-that-their-daughter-has-only-met-on-the-internet stay in their house, probably in her room(!),for a few days (not the whole week – J-O suggested we go away to the beach for a few days you see). Yeah, that sounds like an easy obstacle to get over. Not. (And similarly with my parents, letting their son go to a far-away country on his own to meet some random girl (who may not be who she says she is!).)

It’s a nice idea. But it’s never going to more than an idea, a pipe dream.

Looking Forward To Summer

Well, my first exam starts tomorrow and my last exam is on 4th June. It sounds like a long time, but it’s only 3 exams, 1 each week, so it’s pretty good. But I am – as you can probably tell from the title – more looking forward to the summer. 3 months and 2 weeks I have off. 3 months and 2 weeks!!! Either it is going to be great, or it is going to be very boring. I’m going to try my hardest to make it exciting.

I’ll try and make sure me and my friends are doing something cool at least once a week, be it having a party or doing something a little more restrained but still fun. What I’d really like to do is see a lot more of A, E, J and M, since they all live pretty close – within bike-riding distance – to me. The only trouble is that I don’t want to impose on them. I’ll have to talk to them and see what I can come up with. Wish me luck!