Trying to Hold Firm

I’m sat here
staring out the window
as the world rushes by
as it always has

I’m sat here
trying to weather the storm
as waves of despair crash over me
more intense than ever before

I’m sat here
trying to stay in control
as my stomach slowly churns
as my mouth turns dry

I’m sat here
my will is failing
I put my hand over my face
as my eyes gently weep

I’m sat here
hoping nobody notices
as the train pulls into the station
my eyes force themselves dry

I step out the door
I draw myself up
it’s time for another day
as I slowly wither inside

What Can You Say?

What can you say
When the hope flies away
Once more

What can you say
When the weather turns grey
Once more

What can you say
When your heart is astray
Once more

What can you say
When your life drains away
Once more?

J-R Now Has A Boyfriend

I’m going to be alone forever, yay.

Maybe I should actually use my OkCupid account…

Why Is Yourself Not Enough?

Why do we need company?
Why do we seek gods?
Why do we seek love?

Why can’t we be happy alone?

Why do we need attraction?
Why do we enjoy touching?
Why do hugs feel so good?

Why can’t I be happy alone?

My Current Fear

Today J-O started her new life as a university student, and thinking about that lead me to a new fear. I fear that as she makes new friends and meets a lot of nice, interesting guys, she won’t have any need for me at all.

Here’s my reasoning (as such): most of the time we were ‘together’ online, it was at a time when she had finished high school and all her friends were starting university, either in another country or another city. She was lonely. Therefore she latched onto me, who was just nice enough, to keep her company for that time. It meant she wasn’t alone. But now, she’ll have new friends and more interesting people around her. She won’t need me to keep her company, and the other guys will be much more interesting to be with and will be more knowledgeable about relationships and therefore better to be with.

I dunno, I’m probably being a tad paranoid and I’m certainly being characteristically defeatist. But it doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

Disaster

Yesterday it emerged that J-O will be coming to the UK tomorrow, where she will meet the family she will be working for (as an Au Pair) – I think she will start working on Monday. Why is that a disaster? I’ll tell you.

When she talked to the agency people about it yesterday, they said there might not be anybody to pick her up from the airport, and they gave her directions to this family’s house – by bus. They’re expecting her to turn up in a foreign country, a unfamiliar city, and be able to navigate around it with no problems at all. I don’t know what the hell these people are smoking.

Understandably, she was upset about this, and she asked if I could meet her at the airport. Given that this was only 2 days warning, that I had to get permission from my parents, get a £55, 6:55 train just to get their 2 hours after she lands, I said I doubt I would be able to do it.

Somewhat understandably, she didn’t like this. She got very upset with me. She said that she needs somebody she can trust, suggesting that she cannot trust me any more. Today, she won’t talk to me at all. Now, I can understand that she is upset at this – I know I would be. But there’s no need to take it out on me. I can’t just drop everything and go and meet her after 2 days notice. I’ve done my best to be supportive. It’s just something that’s not achievable for me.

I can’t believe that, after 1 year and 4 months of waiting for her to come over, she is about to throw it away just over this. Yes, she has a right to be upset that nobody will meet her at the airport. She has the right to be upset at me for not being able to meet her there. But to throw away what we have, something this special, seems to me to be just silly.

I really hope I don’t lose her. She is the only thing positive thing in my life right now. I don’t know what I would do without her.

The Road I Know

It does not hurt
If you turn away
It’s the pretending
That brings the pain

Why must you torture me
Not admitting what I suspect
Put me out of my misery
Throw me back to the fire

I can handle the heat
I know the road

I’d rather have
The certainty of that road
Than the pain of a road
I know I should not be on

Instincts

I feel we’re drifting apart
The fire is going from my heart
Slowly, sadly

I feel you don’t like me
That we no longer see
Eye to eye

I’m not sure yet
It’s just a feeling that I get
Now

It’s not in what you say
But I feel you want to stray
From us

Why are you not here
To wipe away my tear
From these thoughts

I just want us to hug
For my heart to be warm and snug
Next to you

Righting A Wrong

What do I do
What can I say
That’ll make things all right
That’ll make things ok

I don’t have the words
Forgive me, I pray
I feel helpless
Life sucked out of the day

So here I do sit
Wholly alone
Sadness I feel
I bet you’ll never come home

Lonely Rant

As you might have been able to tell from my poem today, I’m not feeling too happy. I feel lonely and depressed, actually. It’s just been made worse by the fact J-O just texted me to say she won’t be on Skype tonight because she’s at a pub with her friends. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very glad that she’s meeting her friends – I know how lonely she feels without any friends around any more since they’re all at uni, since I’m in a similar position. Yet I was kind of hoping she would be on to make me feel better.

I don’t know, sometimes it feels like she’s the only positive thing in my future. The relationships with my friends seem to be getting worse (perhaps it’s because we’re growing up but that doesn’t mean I like it or can accept it willingly), I’m getting a bit worried about how my degree is going, I’m worried about my weight (although not enough to do anything about it yet. Not that I’m fat, but I am getting a bit tubby and I don’t like it) and I want to get away from my boring job but there’s nothing else around.

Sometimes I feel like bashing my head against the wall – at other times I feel like blankly staring into space or going to sleep or something inactive like that. I kind of feel tired of life at these times.

I’m just too reliant on people for happiness, as I’ve said before – be it my friends or J-O. I wish I wasn’t. I wish I wasn’t so cowardly as to not try the uni halls experience and make new friends, so I wouldn’t feel so lonely now.

I can just imagine how must frustrated you feel if you read my blog – it just seems to go around in circles, doesn’t it? Hardly surprising that hardly anybody reads it. Read one post and you’ve read them all. I don’t know why I bother. Well, I do: it’s so I don’t have to keep nagging my friends, asking their advice – and it’s worked, too. Mostly. It fools me into thinking people actually care about me. It stops me worrying about wanting to talk to a friend about stuff but not being able to because I’m worried it’ll bore them and make them hate me, which it would if I had to listen to me (I think).

Anyway, I’ll shut up now.