Another Good Night

Me and J-O had another nice night watching a movie together (Megamind). Not as good as the last one but it lifted my spirits at least – for the time anyway. But once she’d gone to bed, I realised I’m still sat here alone, she’s still hundreds of miles away. It’s times like these when I wonder if it was all worth it. Before her, I was lonely, sure. But not this lonely. I didn’t have the hope that somebody would come along and be with me; in many ways that was comforting. To know I’d always be alone, to not get my hopes up that I would find somebody. I could get on with my life.

But then I think, although I may feel lonelier than ever sometimes, at least I have times – sometimes quite sustained – where I’m very happy. I think that in many ways I’d rather be really sad sometimes and really happy sometimes, then sad most of the time and kind of happy only very occasionally. I don’t know really. I can only hope that we can be together one day soon, that all this deep loneliness will have been worth it. That I can finally be happy.

My Pain, Your Gain

While we are apart
Our love only adds
To the pain of the heart

I hate to add this pain
It should bring happiness
It shouldn’t mean strain

What I would do
To stop this hurt
Though it would pain me to

I’d let you go
As much as I would sigh
I’d do it, if it was a nearer, better guy

Because happiness in my aim
Not sadness, not pain

If to leave is right
I’ll take flight

Lead you into happiness
While I, again,
Wallow in pain

I Asked Her. She Said Yes!

I was talking to J-O on Skype yesterday. After talking for a while we started talking about relationships and stuff. It started when she said she has chosen her prom dress. I said “whatever dress you get I’m sure you’ll look great in it “. She said thanks, that I will she will show me one day, then I said “perhaps you’d look even better out of it lol “. She then said “who knows you could know one day lol”, to which I replied “lol I look forward to it “.

Then she asked a really awkward question. She asked “have you ever made love?”. Slightly taken aback, I decided to tell the truth and said “er… no . have you?” to which she said “yeah  it is the greatest thing in life”. Then I told her that I’d never had a girlfriend before. She assured me that I would, in time, that I was “such a nice boy”, to which I replied “thanks, you’re nice too “.

It was then I decided to tell her. I told her that I wanted to tell her something, but didn’t know if it was a good idea, or how to say it. She told me to say it. By this point, I was so nervous I was literally shaking like a leaf. So then this happened:

me: I really like you. A lot…

J-O: i like you too

me:

J-O: you are very very kind

me: thanks

J-O-: that was it?

me: well yeah but I’m not sure if you quite realised what I meant…

J-O: what do you mean exactly

me: erm… well…

I fancy you (I presume you know what they phrase means)

She didn’t understand. She asked me to do an audio call, but she couldn’t really hear me. So I typed “what I’m trying to say is that I would like to go out with you”. And she said yes. She said that she would go out with me. I was still shaking, but started to calm down. I couldn’t believe it. She actually said yes! A girl that I liked actually likes me back and would like to go out with me! I was so excited. Thoughts about how she might not be accepted at university here did cross my mind, but I quickly forgot about that.

I still can’t believe it. This is one of the happiest days of my life, the best news ever. I just hope she gets accepted at Solent and we can go out with each other. Fingers crossed it will happen.

Very Strange Occurrence

It was a bit of a strange day today. I was still feeling pretty down after yesterday, and as a result some of my other worries were coming back with a bit of a vengeance. It was almost like they were mocking me – ‘you may have fallen head-over-heels for that girl and feel pretty happy about it, but we’re still here, you problems are still here’.

There were a few things that temporarily cheered me up though. I got talking to E on Facebook chat and we had a really nice conversation about her laziness. We were talking at 2:30pm and she said she had got up at 11am, and was still in her pyjamas – I’d got up at 7:20 and was in uni by 10am. Since what happened yesterday I was feeling a bit lonely and started to miss my friends, and, as usual, I particularly missed E. She always makes me smile so that conversation boosted me for a little while.

Anyway, what really made it a strange day, was this ‘strange occurrence’ of this entry’s title. While I was waiting outside the train station for my dad to pick me up, this (fit) girl randomly – well, danced, I suppose (and she was singing at time) – up to me then laughed and walked past. It’s like you see in music videos, you know, when girls dance while walking towards some nice guy. That actually sounds quite funny and ridiculous the way I said that. I bet she was surprised when she saw my face – probably not quite what she intended. Anyway she went right up to me then quickly went round me, laughing and smirking at me. I was surprised, confused and it kinda made me happy, just at the sheer randomness of what had happened. God knows what she was thinking.

She’s Driving Me Crazy… In A Good Way

I’ve moved into a sort of crazy mega-crush stage about that Bulgarian girl over the past few days, as you can probably tell from my recent posts. She’s just so nice, and cute, and pretty and… arg I think I’m actually going mad! I know it’s stupid; that I’ve only just met her a few weeks ago, that I’ve never met her in person, only talked to her online and stuff. But she’s always so nice to me, she seems to like me, if the endless emoticons, generally how she acts towards me and the nice stuff she says to me is anything to go by.

I know I’ve got to keep a cool head. I know I’ve got 6 months to go before she gets here (if she gets here at all) and probably even longer before we hook up (providing she feels the way I do). But at the moment, I can’t help it – I’m crushing, like mad. But in many ways it is good, because I haven’t felt this happy in a long time.

I Think I’m Falling For Her

Remember about the Bulgarian girl I told you about two weeks or more ago? Well, I think I may be falling for her. We’ve talked almost every day since she contacted me, and she is very nice.

Today I helped her with her English assignment (I know it’s kinda cheating, but English is one of the world’s most difficult languages), which was basically filling in the blanks in these sentences in a article about British TV habits. I started going through her mistakes and about halfway through I kinda realised what I was doing. I was correcting about 1 in 4 words (about 7 in all), and then I realised that it must have sounded to her like I was just saying “that’s sh*t, this is sh*t, that’s sh*t”. I felt kinda sorry for her. She also expressed disappointment at how many she’d got wrong. I decided to reassure her at the end, telling her that she didn’t do that badly, that English is a difficult language to master. She was very grateful, and said “:) if i can be useful you can rely on me”. I thought that was so cute. I replied “I don’t doubt it “. She’s so nice, I couldn’t bear seeing her disappointed in herself like that. I’m so falling for her.

I suspect she likes me too. One of the things that made me think that most is when she wanted to send me this Bulgarian traditional thing called a Martenitsa. It’s a bit like a sort of good luck charm, supposed to help usher in springtime. She wanted to send it to me via post, but I (reluctantly) declined, saying I didn’t trust the internet (you see, I’m still being cautious). But I emphasised the fact I did trust her, that I did like the fact she’d bought it for me. I really said sorry, several times. She was, as you’d expect, disappointed. So I said that if she kept it, she could give it to me when (or if) she made it over here. She seemed to be happy with that. I felt really happy and complimented that she’d bought this for me, it was really sweet. She’s so nice!

I think this is the first time I’ve fancied someone and it’s been a wholly good feeling (although I’m now worried that she might not make it). I feel really happy

She Made Me Feel Happy

I’ve been feeling down in the dumps for the last few days, because I felt alone, and that my friends and I weren’t very close. All that changed yesterday when I had a video call with E on Skype.

She was in a good mood, and her happiness was very infectious, as it always is. The funniest bits where when she was making funny expressions, albeit inadvertently. She’s one of those people that have a face that is very amusing pretty much whatever expression she has on her face, it’s the same with J. The other funny thing was when she was listening to music and ‘dancing’, despite the fact she was sitting on her bed – basically it involved funny hand movements. I found it so funny.

The whole day today I was very happy, and it was because of that. I found myself singing (in my head, that is) cheerful songs when I was walking back from the train station after university.