Highs and Lows

Nothing can compare
To the depths of my despair
I thought I was sad then
I am brought to new lows now

I did not know what I missed
In the depths of love trysts
What joy could be found
Emotions dwelling unbound

I longed for a lover
To share like no other
My deepest thoughts
My darkest secrets

What it meant I could not imagine
It’s reality I could not fathom
It’s highs I could not think of
I did not dare to dream

Once I knew those highs
I should have realised
What goes doubly high
Must come likewise down

When all is lost

The Cycle of Worry

Even though we seem back together
Every little thing gives cause to doubt
Even that which in reality must be
No negative thing at all

Even when I express longing for you
The sentiment gives cause for doubt
If you want to know my feelings
I often worry now

Even when I apologise to you
For expressing my longing
If you were glad in the first place
I often worry now

This endless cycle of fear of loss
Itself causes much doubt
If this paranoid cycle damages us
I often worry now

Unfortunately if it is the case
There is only one to blame
Because all this worry I have
Comes from the actions of you

What Did I Do To Deserve This Life

What did I do to deserve this life. Oh yeah, I was just myself. How the world hates that. Sometimes I think we should bring back modest clothing and arranged marriages. F**k sake. Why do girls have to be so sexy? Why do they have to wear such revealing clothing when they are out on the town, that torments and tortures all guys who have no chance in hell of ever coming even within 10 feet of them? Why the hell am I this shy, why can’t I go out to town and get with some random girl? Why, when I’m nearly 20, have I never even held hands with a girl, never mind anything else? Why do women find me so repulsive and uninteresting? Why am I so repulsive and uninteresting? Why doesn’t ‘being yourself’ actually count for f**k all in the real world? Maybe I should resort to internet dating. Maybe I should go to a strip club or pay for a prostitute. Or maybe I should just throw in the towel. Anything to get me away from this torment. I wish there was so such thing as sex or girls.

The State of Play

As you may know if you read my blog regularly, J-O is now in the UK working as an au pair. Well, I have phoned her a few times over the past few days and she did not seem to be finding the life of an au pair “agreeable” to her. Certainly, the amount of work the family she is working for is giving her she doesn’t find agreeable.

I phoned her today and she said that yesterday she told the woman (mum) of the family that she felt she was not able to do all the work she was set. Apparently – and understandably – this did not go well. So, tomorrow (well, today now, UK time) she will leave this family and go work for a different family, of whom she knows nothing.

She admitted, though, that the expectations of her are likely to be the same whoever she works as an au pair for. I agreed with this, though in my mind, I didn’t say this to her. She said that she might even go back to Bulgaria. I don’t mind this really, I’d rather she’d be happy in Bulgaria without me than miserable in the UK with me (though I am still in Southampton, not London, but you get what I mean), though I would be very sad and disappointed.

So at the moment she is not sure what will happen. In fact, she’s not even sure we’ll be able to meet on Sunday. She said she will text me when she knows what is going on, which will probably be tomorrow (today, effectively). I really hope we are able to meet at least once, if she does decide to go back. If not, I will be devastated.

Other recent developments:

Just had my last chance today to tell my parents that I'm going to meet J-O on Sunday. Bugger. I might write them a note for the morning.—
Anonymous Teenager (@anonymousteen) May 31, 2011

Yes, I am that cowardly. It's what I did when I wanted to tell them about her in the first place. It worked then, will probably work now.—
Anonymous Teenager (@anonymousteen) May 31, 2011

Parents didn't say anything today about my note. I presume it means they're fine with it. That's good. Strange they didn't say anything tho.—
Anonymous Teenager (@anonymousteen) June 01, 2011

Knowledge

My thoughts of you
Change so quickly
One moment smiling
The next, crying

Sometimes I wish
You were here
Sometimes I wish
You were never here

Sometimes I think
I make you happy
Sometimes I think
I should let you go

Sometimes I think
I deserve you
Sometimes I think
You deserve better

As I lie here,
Now
All I desire
Is to be sure

What of the Clichés?

Some people hate clichés
But when I imagine her and me
It’s the way I want to spend our days

To wander around, holding hands
Without a care in the world
Along a beach, with it’s golden sands

To sit on a bench, overlooking the old city walls
Watching the sun set on the world
Together we’re happy, the view enthrals

To sit in park, side-by-side
Watching the birds, and the bees
The picture gives me a warm feeling inside

What unoriginal thoughts, I hear you cry
That is the romantic I am
My way to express love
It is the old way
But the old ways are best
I often do say
So what you think
I could not care less

Yeah, Because That’s Not Obvious…

Some people are so rude and two-faced. I went to say hello to one of my friends on Skype (she’s the one I fancied, that I wrote all those posts about a while back) and as soon as I did, she went offline. Because that isn’t obvious at all. “Hmm, perhaps if I go offline he’ll just think I didn’t get it before I went offline.” I’m not that thick. If you’re not in the mood, just tell me. Or, just say, “sorry, I’ve got to go”, that’s much more believable. But the idea that somehow you didn’t get my message before you went offline is just ludicrous. She probably still dislikes me for liking her. I want to just ignore it, tell myself she’s just a bit of a bitch, but I can’t – it hurts me for her to just ignore me like that. To be fair though, I’d feel that with any friend who did that. I want to still be her friend, she is a nice person, but things like this really piss me off and put me off staying friends with her. I rather she just come out and say she wanted me to leave her alone, if that’s how she feels.

I Hate…

I hate my spotty face. I hate my big nose. I hate my big feet. I my slowly-growing waistline. I hate my teeth. I hate my body.

I hate my awkwardness. I hate my shyness. I hate my lack of a sense of adventure. I hate my lack of wanting to try new things. I hate my mind’s obsession with girls, and hugs from girls. I hate my ego, which feels deeply every slight blow to it. I hate the way the love for my friends keeps me worried about how they may feel towards me.

I wish I was someone else. But I’m stuck with me, in this ugly body, and this stupid, wacky mind.

It Keeps Coming Back To Haunt Me

It’s another blog post about that girl I used to like. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while you must be really tired of hearing about her, and for that I apologise. For everyone else, if you would like to know what I’m going on about here, see the link above and scroll down to the ‘trackbacks’ tab to read the entire saga unfold, if you like. But I digress.

The whole thing keeps coming back to haunt me. Every time I notice some photos have been posted on Facebook of her (only if it appears in the news feed though, I don’t actively look every day or whatever), I always think about what could have been – what it would be like if it was me standing beside her in the picture, in a happy relationship. I hate her for rejecting me but still kinda like her and the same time. However, the fact this is about photos finally made me realise something.

I never actually properly liked her. Hell, I didn’t really know her. I was just taken in completely by her looks. It’s particularly bad since I believe relationships shouldn’t just be based on looks, but on feelings – I’d betrayed myself, basically. She’s just so unbelievably sexy, and I must admit I became (and do some extent, still am) completely taken in by her looks. I really want to try and forget about it, but as of yet, I cannot. It is probably because I haven’t really taken with any other girl since, therefore she does still hold a certain amount of power over me.

Hopefully though, I’ll eventually be able to get over this stupid infatuation. It’ll just take time.