Exercising Demons

For too long
I have cared
How you feel
How you think

Always at my shoulder
Always in the corner
Always lingering
In the back of my mind

For too long
I thought we’re close
I cannot delude
Myself any more

But from now
I will break free
From the chains
I’ve set on me

So I can feel
Well again
I can feel
Liked again

So I don’t
Look over
My shoulder
For you

I Hit Back This Time

Several times J-O has asked me about if I liked a few of my female friends (such as E and M) and has pointed out a picture on Facebook where I jokingly took a picture of M’s cleavage as part of a long-running joke in my friends group. Several times I’ve told her I don’t like them, and that this picture was simply a joke. But she kept bringing it up every so often. When she brought it up today, I decided to fight back.

I pointed out a picture on Facebook she had taken with her friends, of one of them naked on the toilet, with just his hands covering his… you know. I said that despite this, I realised it was a joke, I trusted her. I said that to her. She said it was different, but when I asked how, she said it was ‘a picture of his personality’, which I did not understand at all. I said: ‘his personality is about sitting naked on the toilet?’ She said she didn’t look at his… you know… whereas I did. I told her that it was a long-running joke, that I did not start, that I was just continuing it in fun. She accepted this, but still didn’t seem happy.

It’s just annoying, that she makes me feel bad for her thinking, unjustifiably, that I liked other girls. I was annoyed that I had to feel bad, guilty, for her thinking this, when it’s not my fault she thinks this way. It’s annoying that I trust her and she doesn’t trust me. Yes, I know, the distance means she has reason to be cautious. But I have never shown myself to be anything other that trustworthy and faithful, so that’s why I’m annoyed.

I just hope that once we meet and she realises how genuine I am, she will trust me.

Some People Are So Uptight

I’m pissed off right now. Some people are just so uptight it’s untrue. One of my friends (E) posted some pictures on Facebook from a camping trip with her family, but when I go to comment on a few of them, she quickly posted on my wall to stop. Unbelievable. I don’t understand it at all. So she gets a few email notifications from Facebook. Boo bloody hoo. It would only take 10 seconds to delete them. I’m only being friendly, being interested in what her and her family have been up to. I really have no idea what her problem is, but whatever it is, she needs to get over it.

Tipsy and Sad

I’m sad but I don’t know why. It doesn’t help that I’m a bit tipsy after some friends came over earlier and we had some drinks, watched a film and playing Rock Band and stuff. Part of this sad feeling is loneliness, I know that. The rest I can’t really put my finger on. It’s strange. Thinking this reminds me of when one of my friends left earlier, and looked like he couldn’t get out of here fast enough – he stopped playing in the middle of a song (when his dad came to pick him up) and put his shoes on as fast as lightning. And that makes me think of the fact that E decided she wasn’t going to stay over after all when she found out nobody else was staying. I mean, it’s kinda fair enough since I’m a guy and she’s a girl and I suppose it’s kinda awkward, but I would have liked her company for the night, staying up for a bit and chatting or whatever. Never mind I suppose. Arg. I wish J-O was here with me.

Looking Forward To Summer

Well, my first exam starts tomorrow and my last exam is on 4th June. It sounds like a long time, but it’s only 3 exams, 1 each week, so it’s pretty good. But I am – as you can probably tell from the title – more looking forward to the summer. 3 months and 2 weeks I have off. 3 months and 2 weeks!!! Either it is going to be great, or it is going to be very boring. I’m going to try my hardest to make it exciting.

I’ll try and make sure me and my friends are doing something cool at least once a week, be it having a party or doing something a little more restrained but still fun. What I’d really like to do is see a lot more of A, E, J and M, since they all live pretty close – within bike-riding distance – to me. The only trouble is that I don’t want to impose on them. I’ll have to talk to them and see what I can come up with. Wish me luck!

A Bit Of A Disastrous Trip

Today (well, yesterday now, if you’re being pedantic) I went to London with E to go to a gig at this place called the Water Rats. We went to see this band that one of my friend’s is in. I left Southampton at 2:30 and met E on the train, and we got into London Victoria at about 5. The gig started at 6, so we first went to McDonalds, although E didn’t eat anything. Slowly we trudged over to the tube and got the Underground to King’s Cross.

We got to the gig at 6 and they started playing at 6:30. They were really good, but since they were the first band on and hadn’t played outside Hampshire (although one of their songs got played on 6 Music) it was only me, E, two other fans how had travelled up from Southampton, and the lead singer’s parents. That was rather disheartening for them, and on top of that they made a loss of £200 or so because they bought a load of tickets to sell but didn’t manage to shift many. They finished at 7. They dropped off their stuff and said they’d be back, and we thought they’d stay a while. But when they came back they said they were tired at that they were off – this was at 7:30. The rest of us hung around for a bit, as the place filled up, but left by about 7:15.

From there we went back to Victoria and then home, getting back at 11. A lot of hours and a fair bit of money (the train ticket cost £30) was wasted on that trip, in many ways. However, because of the lack of people e.t.c I didn’t like to leave E going all the way to London and back on her own, and I was glad to encourage the guys by being another person there watching them. I know one person doesn’t make much difference, but with only 6 people watching, I think it would have done. I felt really sorry for them, as they’re a great band and played really well. At least they’re getting themselves out there though.

So Funny and Cute

Like I said in my previous post, I went to see Kick-Ass today. It was great. It was pretty gory, which E didn’t like, although I didn’t think about that when I was watching the film. As we were walking back – me, E and several other friends of mine – E said she wasn’t feeling well, and that she was feeling cold. It was at this point she decided to link arms with me, as I was walking along beside her, so she could get warm. It was really cute, and it was a bit of a strange feeling to have her cuddling up to me like that. One of my friends that was walking with us remarked that we made a ‘cute couple’. I didn’t respond to it. It was nice of her to say, but as I’ve said before, I don’t like E in that way. And this event proved it to myself that this was the case – I didn’t get ‘excited’ (if you see what I mean). I was just content for her to be cuddling up to me as a friend, to get warm. It was completely innocent. It was really nice, really cute – E is so funny. I was just glad to have helped.

I Hate To See Her Upset

E is feeling very unhappy today, she’s having a lot of problems all cropping up at once, it seems, and this, coupled with it coming up to the anniversary of a close relative’s death, means she’s pretty sad at the moment. I do so hate to see her sad, as she’s such a nice and happy person, she always makes me smile.

So I had a talk to her on MSN about it. At first I said that I wish I could help but I didn’t really know what to say. Then she said “just you being there is enough “. That was really cute, I said “aww” and “you always make me smile and I hate to see you upset”. She liked that, responding with “:) * hug *” which I returned. About her relationship problems, I told her she was a really nice person and deserved somebody. She seemed to cheer up after all that, which was good. We talked about other stuff and at the end of the conversation she said “thanks for the chat really needed it”. I was pleased that I’d managed to cheer her up a bit, and just said “that’s ok, it’s what I’m here for”.

Although her problems are still present, I hope I went a little way into cheering her up. She such a nice person, I hate to see her upset. I just wanted to go visit her straight away and give her a big hug. Luckily easter is just round the corner so I’ll be seeing her soon. I can’t wait

Very Strange Occurrence

It was a bit of a strange day today. I was still feeling pretty down after yesterday, and as a result some of my other worries were coming back with a bit of a vengeance. It was almost like they were mocking me – ‘you may have fallen head-over-heels for that girl and feel pretty happy about it, but we’re still here, you problems are still here’.

There were a few things that temporarily cheered me up though. I got talking to E on Facebook chat and we had a really nice conversation about her laziness. We were talking at 2:30pm and she said she had got up at 11am, and was still in her pyjamas – I’d got up at 7:20 and was in uni by 10am. Since what happened yesterday I was feeling a bit lonely and started to miss my friends, and, as usual, I particularly missed E. She always makes me smile so that conversation boosted me for a little while.

Anyway, what really made it a strange day, was this ‘strange occurrence’ of this entry’s title. While I was waiting outside the train station for my dad to pick me up, this (fit) girl randomly – well, danced, I suppose (and she was singing at time) – up to me then laughed and walked past. It’s like you see in music videos, you know, when girls dance while walking towards some nice guy. That actually sounds quite funny and ridiculous the way I said that. I bet she was surprised when she saw my face – probably not quite what she intended. Anyway she went right up to me then quickly went round me, laughing and smirking at me. I was surprised, confused and it kinda made me happy, just at the sheer randomness of what had happened. God knows what she was thinking.

More Good News

I’m a bit surer that that Bulgarian girl likes me now. Two days ago, when we were talking on Skype, she asked me what I was doing. Funnily enough, at the time I was actually talking to E about how I fancied her. (E was very happy for me, she was like “aww”.) I thought about saying “oh, just talking to a friend on MSN”, but then I had a good idea. I said I was talking to a friend on MSN, but then said I was talking about her. Naturally, she asked what I said, and I simply replied “about how u contacted me and how nice you are and stuff”. I eagerly awaiting how she would respond to this. She said “ I am glad that you think it about me and I feel the same.” I just thought “wow she said she feels the same way” Of course it’s not like she directly says she likes me in that way, but it’s a good start She wasn’t online last night though and I was quite disappointed. One of my friends asked “missing her? lol” and I was like, “a bit “

EDIT: I only just received a message from her that she apparently sent yesterday that I didn’t get, it was really sweet. She said:
[my name] just to tell you
good night and
sweet  dreams
have a good day
tomorrow

Disappointingly, however, I realised yesterday that September is still 6 months away Even if she does like me now, I hope she doesn’t lose interest by then