A Stupid Daydream

For some reason, when I was at work yesterday I had this strange sort of day-dream almost. In this day-dream my phone rang and it was J-O. She asked me “do you really love me?”, to which I replied “yes, of course I do.” Then she said “then come see me tomorrow”.

What a stupid think to dream about. It’s like something out of a terrible romantic comedy. Honestly. Talk about wishful thinking! I think I have some way to go towards moving on from this thing.

Strange Dream Last Night

I had a really strange dream last night. It was really long and kind of rambling.

It started off at this mansion by a beach on a hot summers day. I went outside and there was a load of my extended family there, all talking and drinking at several tables. My aunt was also there, the one who died recently. Then J-O arrived with some of her friends, but didn’t say hello to me, but quickly disappeared.

Shortly after that I went over to talk to my auntie and my nan. However, me and my nan soon realised we were both dreaming, that my auntie was dead, and so my nan started crying. My mum came over to comfort her and started crying too.

At that point I decided to look for J-O, so I walked into the nearby town, which turned out to be Portsmouth. I kept leaping around like Spiderman trying to find her, but I had no luck.

I started walking back to the mansion but then I bumped into some of my friends. They said they had someone they’d like me to meet. They went into this shop and introduced me to a girl who worked there. We said hi and then she asked if I wanted to go on a date with her. I said yes, we arranged the time and date, then the dream ended.

Thoughts on a Dream

I want to let go of the dream that occupies me
I want to let go of the sadness it brings
I want to be free from the burden I bear
I want to enjoy the littlest things

But the dream also sustains me
It brings light in the dark
The only ray of sun
It kindles a spark

What do you do when you are so torn
With a dream that brings hope
Yet can bring despair?

Sometimes I wish I had never been graced
With this dream of a life full of joy
Because it’s like torture
To think it is lost

But at least I had time to enjoy it, while it lasted
The surge of such feelings had never been felt
And perhaps I will not see their like again

But like all good rides
All things must end
In the darkness
Of resignation

The Only Dream

I had a dream
I was kissing you

I had a dream
I was hugging you

I had a dream
That would once be real

Then you broke the spell
You returned me to hell

The dream was just that
So, lonely, I sat

Dreaming the dream
That may never come true

But try as I might
All I dream of is you

They Think It’s All Over?

Well, as you’ve probably been able to tell from my recent posts, I’m not very confident about the whole J-O situation. She has started to have some doubts about us recently. We talked about it and she said she wanted to see how it went when we meet. However as I understood it, we were still technically going out. I don’t think that is the case.

In the last two days she has not been using the usual affectionate terms, has not been sending any kiss or similar emoticons during Skype conversations, and has changed her usual Skype display name from ‘(J-O) <3 (me)’ to just her name. I don’t mind if she wanted for us to have a break for a while, be just friends for a bit, but this is hurtful to me. If she feels this way, she should tell me. Not distance herself from me and hope I won’t notice.

Why is she doing this to me? Does she not want to hurt my feelings? Because in my book, not telling me, is far worse than telling me. I’d rather be put out of my misery, go back to my old ways, than be in this purgatory.

I suppose it was just a dream. All it was ever going to be was a dream. It looks like it’s back to the path I know well, of loneliness and sadness. At least it means I don’t have expectations above what I can actually do. It’s nice, in a way, to know your place, to stick to it. My life will be filled with certainty again. And that’s my main goal in life. I hate the unexpected. Anyway, I’m going to talk to her about it tomorrow. Wish me luck.

A Strange Dream

Last night I had a really weird dream. My family have a rabbit, you see. Last night I dreamt that I was at home during one of the days I don’t have to go into uni, and while our rabbit was out in the garden. When I was looking out the window onto the garden, three hares (I think) came into the garden and started attacking our rabbit (I’m not sure if a hare would attack a rabbit). They circled it, biting it every so often. I ran out to scare them off, and then (here comes the strange bit) somebody leapt over our back fence and started to run towards them, scaring them off.

Really weird.

To Wait

I have to wait a year
A whole year
Before you are here

I’m not sure about the wait
I want you now
Here in my arms

To only chat in that time
To not be with me for real
Still leaves me lonely

Nothing beats the warmth
Of your body against mine
Of which I cannot experience

I want to get on a plane
And fly into your arms
That is my dream

To make my dream come true
There is a lot to do
I don’t know if I’ll see it through

But maybe I should try
For once
To make my dreams reality

On Dreams

On my bed I lie
I let out a sigh
Then in I breathe
I feel the loneliness returning

I close my eyes
I dream
About what could have been
What I hoped the future would bring

But now I am here
Lying alone
Knowing that what could have been
Is now lost; all lost

Very Strange and Slightly Disturbing Dream

I had this really strange and disturbing dream last night. I very rarely have dreams (that I remember anyway) so that makes it even more interesting and troubling (even though I’m only an amateur who thinks he knows about psychology) from a psychological viewpoint.

Basically, in the dream I was showing E (one of my best friends, who is a girl, if you’ve never read my blog before) something on my laptop. We were sitting on my bed with the laptop just beside me. Then, for some reason, she fell over onto me. Then she kissed me on the cheek. Then she started kissing me on the lips, and it was at that point my parents came in and said (something along the lines of) “Oh, look what [my name here] is doing up here! I knew he liked her!” That was the end of the dream.

The thing is, in this dream it is her that kissed me, so hopefully that means that I don’t like her in that way. Although of course, just because it was her, not me, that started it, doesn’t necessarily mean I don’t like her in that way. I’m not sure about that but. The reason it was strange and disturbing though was not any of that – it was the kiss. In the dream, the kiss wasn’t something nice. When she kissed me it hurt, quite a lot. I cannot really work out what that means, although my theory is that it might be saying that I consider any relationship I would start with her would be painful, at least in the end, not a good thing at all.

I don’t know what you people think, but any thoughts would be much appreciated.

P,S For all those who don’t read my blog regularly, in the dream my parents said “I knew he liked her” because my parents think I like her in a sexual way. In actuality I consider her a close friend, more like a sister to me, actually, and I’ve told them this, but they don’t believe me. A lot of other people seem to think it too, but they’re all wrong.)