Dysthemia?

Somebody commented on my blog a while ago, though it got caught in the spam filter so I didn’t notice it until the other day. It made me think. It was on this post, and read:

Mollie Player :

I really relate to what you’re saying. I have dysthemia (chronic low-level depression), and it can really affect my thought patterns. I have to watch out for that on a daily basis.

Although this doesn’t actually say that she thinks I have this dysthemia thing, she does seem to imply that she thinks I do. But what is it? According to Wikipedia, it is:

Dysthymia, also known as neurotic depression, is a mood disorder consisting of chronic depression, with less severe but longer lasting symptoms than major depressive disorder. The concept was coined by Dr Robert Spitzer (an editor of the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-III)) as a replacement for the term “depressive personality” in the late 1970s.
According to the DSM’s definition of dysthymia, it is a serious state of chronic depression, which persists for at least 2 years; it is less acute and severe than major depressive disorder. As dysthymia is a chronic disorder, sufferers may experience symptoms for many years before it is diagnosed, if diagnosis occurs at all. As a result, they may believe that depression is a part of their character, so they may not even discuss their symptoms with doctors, family members, or friends.

As you might know if you’re a regular follower, I’ve been previously been concerned about calling my low moods ‘depression’, because I don’t believe how I feel warrants such a label: it’s not anywhere near as serious, and would be insulting to a genuinely depressed person. Given what has happened in the last year, I think it’s not unnatural to feel how I feeling, but I wouldn’t say I’m depressed. Okay, the definition does say “they may believe that depression is a part of their character, so they may not even discuss their symptoms” but I don’t think that necessarily lends credibility to this idea.

I dunno, what do you think? Do you think I really am depressed in this way, or am I just feeling naturally in a sad mood because of what’s happened in the last year? Please send me your thoughts by commenting below!

Trying to Hold Firm

I’m sat here
staring out the window
as the world rushes by
as it always has

I’m sat here
trying to weather the storm
as waves of despair crash over me
more intense than ever before

I’m sat here
trying to stay in control
as my stomach slowly churns
as my mouth turns dry

I’m sat here
my will is failing
I put my hand over my face
as my eyes gently weep

I’m sat here
hoping nobody notices
as the train pulls into the station
my eyes force themselves dry

I step out the door
I draw myself up
it’s time for another day
as I slowly wither inside

Dampening My Mood Again

I mentioned it on Twitter but not on here, that a (female) friend offered to go to my Graduation Ball with me. J-O had encouraged to ask her too after she saw my friend offer to come on FB. I talked to this friend the other day and she said she couldn’t come. Since J-O had encouraged me to go with her, I txted her the next day that I would be going to my Grad Ball on my own. Then she said that, if she gets her work permission sorted for the summer (i.e. she is hoping to work in the UK for the summer) then she would come.

So, yesterday on FB I mentioned that I had bought the tickets in a status, and told J-O that I had told my parents about it (I mentioned it because J-O had called the previous day asking for advice with uni work and I said I’d bought the tickets, and she asked if I’d asked my parents, which I hadn’t). We started talking about it, perfectly pleasantly, then she suddenly says:

J-O:     [My name] just to say
i am coming as a friend
if everything
is fine and i am here

Me:    yeah I know
it’s fine

J-O:    otherwise, i would not come just saying, because i dont wanna dissapoint you, if you have expected something and then it does not happen
just saying
i will make sure you will have a good night
and will do my best as friend

Me:    yeah I know, it’s fine, honestly
I didn’t even think about it in any other way
honestly

J-O:    okay just saying

Me:    sure

J-O:    it is a big night for you

Me:    just it is easier to have a good time when u are with somebody u know, even as a friend

J-O:    so it should be nice
yes i guess

Me:    for me anyway lol

J-O:    sure

Now that killed my mood. It pisses me off actually. Since the gig back in the beginning of January I have demonstrated that I have fully accepted that we are, and will only ever be, just friends. When I thought about J-O coming to my Grad Ball, I only thought about it in terms of having somebody to go with. Not a single thought was about the possibility of it being some sort of date, or anything like that. I just can’t go on my own, I would be miserable. I can’t have fun on my own; I am a very self-conscious person, I am only comfortable having fun in a social situation with somebody else, because I know that it doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks about me, as I have a friend with me who I know likes me, won’t be put off by anything I do, so I can just think about having a good time with them, instead of thinking about having a good time around a lot of people I don’t know, who may be judging me. All this little talk did was to remind me that we are only just friends and that there was at one point a possibility of something more which has now gone. Just as I thought I was doing well (getting over her), something like this comes along and sets me back who-knows-how-long. I hope she doesn’t ever make such a comment again in the future… I hope she’s realised I’ve moved on just as she has…

As I was on the train today I was listening to music, and Hey There Delilah came on on shuffle. Ever since we ‘broke up’ (as such) I’ve skipped it every time it came on (it was ‘our song’, as such). This time I thought, no, I will leave it on. This is another thing I have to reintegrate into my life, free once more of J-O connections. I need to listen to it, to help me move on. It didn’t work. If anything, it made me feel worse. In fact, it made me cry a little. It hadn’t lost any of it’s J-O connections, though they had changed form; instead of sounding positive, the song sounds negative. In fact, in my new perspective it is easy to read it negativly. How? It’s all from his perspective: he says it’s perfect, he says there is distance but it doesn’t matter, he says they will be able to be together one day. Delilah does not speak, and it’s easy to imagine that he sings this not because it’s true, but it is because it is what he, naively, hopes, when in reality there is no chance. That’s what so great about music, in a way, I guess; you can interpret it in so many different ways…

Highs and Lows

Nothing can compare
To the depths of my despair
I thought I was sad then
I am brought to new lows now

I did not know what I missed
In the depths of love trysts
What joy could be found
Emotions dwelling unbound

I longed for a lover
To share like no other
My deepest thoughts
My darkest secrets

What it meant I could not imagine
It’s reality I could not fathom
It’s highs I could not think of
I did not dare to dream

Once I knew those highs
I should have realised
What goes doubly high
Must come likewise down

When all is lost

Disaster

Yesterday it emerged that J-O will be coming to the UK tomorrow, where she will meet the family she will be working for (as an Au Pair) – I think she will start working on Monday. Why is that a disaster? I’ll tell you.

When she talked to the agency people about it yesterday, they said there might not be anybody to pick her up from the airport, and they gave her directions to this family’s house – by bus. They’re expecting her to turn up in a foreign country, a unfamiliar city, and be able to navigate around it with no problems at all. I don’t know what the hell these people are smoking.

Understandably, she was upset about this, and she asked if I could meet her at the airport. Given that this was only 2 days warning, that I had to get permission from my parents, get a £55, 6:55 train just to get their 2 hours after she lands, I said I doubt I would be able to do it.

Somewhat understandably, she didn’t like this. She got very upset with me. She said that she needs somebody she can trust, suggesting that she cannot trust me any more. Today, she won’t talk to me at all. Now, I can understand that she is upset at this – I know I would be. But there’s no need to take it out on me. I can’t just drop everything and go and meet her after 2 days notice. I’ve done my best to be supportive. It’s just something that’s not achievable for me.

I can’t believe that, after 1 year and 4 months of waiting for her to come over, she is about to throw it away just over this. Yes, she has a right to be upset that nobody will meet her at the airport. She has the right to be upset at me for not being able to meet her there. But to throw away what we have, something this special, seems to me to be just silly.

I really hope I don’t lose her. She is the only thing positive thing in my life right now. I don’t know what I would do without her.

It Is Now! Sort of.

They think it’s all over… it is now! Sort of. It turns out then when we had a talk the other day about her feeling lonely and we would see how it goes when we meet, what she meant was that we should just be friends for now, until she comes over.Yep. The ‘friend zone’. To be honest, I was devastated. I cried. I didn’t want anything to do with her for a few days. I could feel my old, depressed self returning. We had  talk about how I was feeling, and it did kind of make me feel better. I don’t know what to think really. I still like her, and she says she still likes me, but it seems strange to me that, given those facts, and the fact we’ve been ‘together’ 8 months, that we would take a break now.

She said it was to stop her feeling lonely, yet I don’t understand how it will make much difference if we’re together or apart to stop her feeling this way. That’s why I said she was free to see other guys in-between now and when we meet. I asked her if there were any guys she liked there in Bulgaria, she seemed to say yes in a way, but she didn’t seem that interested. So she might just ‘have some fun’ with some guys or whatever, I don’t know, take her mind off us, make her not feel lonely.

I dunno, maybe it’ll be ok in the end. But I can’t help think it won’t. I can’t help thinking it was stupid of me to think I would be happy, that I would find somebody. I dunno. I can already feel myself returning to my old, depressed ways. I have no idea when she’ll come over. I certainly don’t think it’ll be soon, even though she’s got the results of her English exam. I don’t think she’ll come over until uni starts, in 10 months time. In that time she might get a boyfriend. I know I won’t get a girlfriend in that time.

Will I still like her then? I don’t know. I’ll just have to see how everything pans out.

Righting A Wrong

What do I do
What can I say
That’ll make things all right
That’ll make things ok

I don’t have the words
Forgive me, I pray
I feel helpless
Life sucked out of the day

So here I do sit
Wholly alone
Sadness I feel
I bet you’ll never come home

Lonely Rant

As you might have been able to tell from my poem today, I’m not feeling too happy. I feel lonely and depressed, actually. It’s just been made worse by the fact J-O just texted me to say she won’t be on Skype tonight because she’s at a pub with her friends. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very glad that she’s meeting her friends – I know how lonely she feels without any friends around any more since they’re all at uni, since I’m in a similar position. Yet I was kind of hoping she would be on to make me feel better.

I don’t know, sometimes it feels like she’s the only positive thing in my future. The relationships with my friends seem to be getting worse (perhaps it’s because we’re growing up but that doesn’t mean I like it or can accept it willingly), I’m getting a bit worried about how my degree is going, I’m worried about my weight (although not enough to do anything about it yet. Not that I’m fat, but I am getting a bit tubby and I don’t like it) and I want to get away from my boring job but there’s nothing else around.

Sometimes I feel like bashing my head against the wall – at other times I feel like blankly staring into space or going to sleep or something inactive like that. I kind of feel tired of life at these times.

I’m just too reliant on people for happiness, as I’ve said before – be it my friends or J-O. I wish I wasn’t. I wish I wasn’t so cowardly as to not try the uni halls experience and make new friends, so I wouldn’t feel so lonely now.

I can just imagine how must frustrated you feel if you read my blog – it just seems to go around in circles, doesn’t it? Hardly surprising that hardly anybody reads it. Read one post and you’ve read them all. I don’t know why I bother. Well, I do: it’s so I don’t have to keep nagging my friends, asking their advice – and it’s worked, too. Mostly. It fools me into thinking people actually care about me. It stops me worrying about wanting to talk to a friend about stuff but not being able to because I’m worried it’ll bore them and make them hate me, which it would if I had to listen to me (I think).

Anyway, I’ll shut up now.

Loving Duty

When sadness effects the one most dear
Something you do not want to hear
To raise their spirits is your solemn duty

But if you fail to do so
If they are still in fits of woe
To that place your feelings go also

Such influence cannot compare
When your love effects you there
When it saddens your heart

For you know you’ve failed your duty
When the heart of your fair beauty
Is sad, and can not be changed

By any words
By any deeds
Of you

Fantastic News! But I Can’t Celebrate Too Soon

J-O got into Solent. I found out when she sent me a text yesterday. I was overjoyed. But then when I was talking to her later, that euphoria was severely dampened. She was concerned that the course she applied for there would not be useful for the future, that she would have to consider with her parents very carefully if she was going to accept the place.

As you can imagine, this didn’t fill me with hope that I would see her. Especially when she said that ‘no matter where I go in England, I will still be close to you’. It doesn’t sound good. If she didn’t come to Solent, then I don’t think anything could happen between us. Long distance relationships are difficult enough when people have been together for years, let alone just starting out.

In a way though, I understand and accept that this is something she needs to consider. As I said to her, I’d rather she took the decision that she thinks is best for her, rather than worrying about me. She needs to do something that will be useful for the future, that’s the point – for me to encourage her to do otherwise would be selfish of me, and wrong.

She says she might make the decision today, after talking to her parents about it. So today may be make or break for me. I’ll either end the day knowing my ‘girlfriend’ is coming here or that she is not. I suspect she will not come here. It’s just my luck. I sometimes think the world doesn’t want me to get a girlfriend, to be happy. I sometimes think that I’ll always be alone. This will be just another chapter in that story. Although this particular may set me back considerably, emotionally. I was so close, yet so far… quite literally.

It looks like a few more years of loneliness (at least) for me. But it shouldn’t be too bad. I’m used to it by now. Kinda.