Why can’t we be happy alone?

Why do we need attraction?
Why do we enjoy touching?
Why do hugs feel so good?

Why can’t I be happy alone?

The thing is, I was thinking about going to the PS Vita showcase event in London on 21st of Feb. But of course that is where J-O is, and I am second-guessing myself that going to this is not to decide if to buy it or not but as a convenient excuse to see if I can hang out with J-O. I know this because I’ve already thought about it; I want to go to see The Muppet Movie, but not on my own here in Southampton, so I was thinking of saying to her something like “oh, I’m going to be in London one day going to this event but I was wondering if you’d like to meet up afterwards? I want to go see The Muppet Movie but don’t particularly want to go on my own back in Southampton, so was wondering if you and maybe some of your friends wanted to see it with me?”

I know it’s pathetic and I hate myself for it but I really do want to go see that film and believe me, I have been to the cinema once on my own and it was really strange, I don’t want to repeat it. It also shows that I can be just friends and if it works out it’ll be a nice way to spend a day. If she doesn’t want to then hey, at least I have an interesting day checking out the PS Vita in London, right? And if I can do that without worrying about her than, hey, that’s a good sign (though the fact I wanted to do it perhaps isn’t).

The only trouble is, the PS Vita is so awesome-looking I’m pretty sure if I got my hands on it then I’d be compelled to buy it. It’s just so cool!

I say this because when me and my family was having dinner the other day a James Blunt song came on and it made me feel very depressed, instantly. For some reason it also made me laugh though, which I’m not sure how to explain. Maybe it was a sort of tired, depressed kind of laughter, a sort of dark laughter, the sort crazy people in films have. The sort of laughter that somehow says, without appearing to; oh god, I’m so alone, it’s so depressing.

P.S: I am not ressurecting the blog, this is just a one off, though what I said the other day still applies.

So, I set my alarm, got up nice and early, in time to meet J-O at the university coach stop at 12. Shortly after 10am, I txted J-O to check when she arrived (and, to be honest, to see if it was still happening), but got no reply. I wasn’t too worried by this, since I expected she would sleep through the journey (which she later said she had). I left the house about 11:30 and began to walk to the stop (it’s only about 30 mins walk from my house). Shortly after setting off I txted her that I might be a little late. At 11:50, I got a reply. It said “I will get off at the city. First of all I was not planning seeing you, since I did not answer.” Then, presumably in reference to her txts the day before, asked “Yesterday, how did you decide to come?” (we’d argued since she’d said we couldn’t be friends, I said I got it now, that we are just friends, and so we can be). Then she txted “I wanna be on my own, and just to relax”.

It was at that point that I saw the coach coming towards me from the university (I wasn’t there yet, I was on Burgess Road before the university), with her in a seat right at the front. Swearing a lot, I stopped. I turned as it passed. I notice the traffic lights up ahead were on stop. I ran the 0.2 miles (approx from Google Maps) to the traffic lights. A few seconds later the lights turned green, and the coach turned the corner. There was another set of lights, again on red. I ran the 500 feet to there, swearing as I did so, and again the lights went green and the coach went as soon as I got there. I stared at it as it drove along The Avenue and out of sight.

I considered what to do for a few seconds. Do I give up, or do I follow. I said to myself ‘screw it! I came out to see her, and I’ll be damned if I go back home without seeing her! She ruined my day by leaving me, I will ruin her day by finding her!’ So I ran, most of the way at least, down The Avenue towards town, swearing a lot as I did so (today my legs ache from the strain). In about 25 mins I managed to run the approx. 2 miles to the corner of London Road/Cumberland Place (this would normally take about 40 mins). From there I fast-walked into town.

As I walked into town, I decided that to search high and low for her would be fruitless. I decided that the most likely place to spot her would be the Bargate entrance to West Quay; everyone goes there, I figured, most leaving/going in through that entrance, so I was bound to spot her there. I found out later that she had had lunch in KFC, which I fast-walked right past, and had visited the Bargate, which means I missed her going past the Bargate entrance to West Quay (although to be fair I was looking at the doors rather than the pedestrian area beyond). At 1:45pm, about 1 & 1/2 hours after I got there, I decided I’d had enough. I txted her: “Fine. You want to be alone? Be alone. I hope you choke on it.” I immediately left for McDonalds for lunch. It was very busy there so I got a take away meal. As I was walking away I noticed I had a txt from J-O, received just a minute after I sent mine, which said “I am sorry. I think that it just doesn’t work, and I feel bad to make you sad.” I went outside West Quay, sat down on a bench, and replied “if you really cared u would meet me. I am still in town. I was going to show u so many places.”

So I began to eat my McDonalds lunch. 3/4 of the way into my burger and 5 mins later, I got a txt from J-O. It said: “I am at the town quay. it’s so beautiful here.” Immediately I put the remains of my burger in the box, put it and my drink in the bag.  I got up, and legged it as fast as I could. I ran the 1/2 mile to Town Quay in 10 mins. I looked around, but couldn’t see J-O. I txted her “where abouts on town quay.” She replied “you are crazy”. I replied, “I am here.” She txted me, “I want to be alone.” I thought for a few moments. Could it be that she lied about where she was? Then I had a thought, ‘she said town quay, but she might have meant Mayflower Park’, which is right next to Town Quay. So I ran there. As I got to the entrance to the park, I saw a girl walking along the road into the park, towards the edge by the sea. It took me a few seconds to realise it was her. I ran up to her, and simply said “hello”. I was completely out of breath, I had a stitch, and probably a cold McDonalds, but I’d caught up with her. She said “hi”.

We went and sat on a bench. We talked for a little while, with me reeling off facts about Southampton that I’d learnt through reading for one of my units in this semester just gone. This, along with a few other things, made her smile. She said it was nice here; I said it was one of the places I’d planned to bring her. She said she’d already visited the old town. I said that was a shame, because I had information about it that would make it more interesting than just looking around it. I don’t remember her reaction to that. We stayed there for a while before moving into town. I felt a bit ill from running just after eating, but it soon passed. We then visited the old bombed-out church, look a few pictures there (1 or 2 together) then we visited West Quay, doing some shopping. We went to another clothes shop outside West Quay. J-O said she’d found Ann Summers earlier, had never seen what she called “a sex shop” before, saying she wanted to go back for a proper look. So we did.

I couldn’t believe there was a place like that in Britain (I’d never been in an Ann Summers before, though I’d heard about it). I couldn’t believe they were openly selling dildos. J-O curiously went for a look at those particular things; I stayed away. The whole time we were in there, I didn’t know where to look! She spent ages trying to decide what type of underwear she’d jokingly buy a (male) friend of hers, who she said was gay (I refrained from believing or disbelieving it; I decided not to bother thinking about it). It was a choice between and man-thong(?) and boxers with suggestive designs (e.g. a picture of a cockrel with “look at my cock” or similar written on it). We spent the last 2 hours in the Yates pub along there. She ordered one round; a cup of tea for her and a Fosters for me; I ordered the other; half a Fosters for me and a hot chocolate for her. We sat opposite each other and talked about uni, jobs and her desires for visiting various places in Europe. She said she really liked Southampton, thought it was better than Cambridge, which she’s visited. She said she’d like to come back when the weather was nicer (it was blowing a hooley yesterday, especially at Mayflower Park).

At about 5:45 we left the pub for the coach station. Since she’d originally planned to get off and on from the university she didn’t know what time it would leave the city depot, which is why we left so early. As it turns out, it didn’t leave until about 6:20, though she could get on about 5 mins before that. For that half an hour we leant against a wall (the small ticket office building being shut by that time). After a few mins, she said she was cold, and I put an arm around her. She didn’t seem to mind, so I kept it here. She even slightly adjusted her position for it to be more comfortable. At one point she apologised for “making you wait in the cold”; I said I didn’t mind. She asked how I was getting back, I said I was walking. She apologised for making me walk. I said it was fine. At 6:15 the coach approached from the other side of the coach station and she got on. I left for home. As I left I remembered how she always asked me to txt her when I got home, always to ask if she got home ok, so I txted her asking if she’d txt me when she got home. She txted back that she would.

Overall, it was nice once we got together. We seemed to get on well. I took it with a large pinch of salt though. I thought it would probably be the last time I saw her. But today she added me back on fb and although she didn’t upload any of the photos of us together, she did upload one photo with me in. So we’re friends now, it seems, though not ‘good friends’, probably. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I still might not see her again. Oh well, at least I have her as a friend. I’m now pretty sure I am over her now, in the sense that I didn’t feel like I loved her any more when I looked at her, unlike on Monday and Tuesday (16th & 17th January). I hope we can be good friends, though I doubt she’ll feel that way. Who knows. Oh well. Time to get on with my life.

1) I may return to the blog if I feel like it. This may only be a temporary break, if I can think of new, interesting things to post about.

2) I will still be updating my Twitter account, if you still want to follow me in some form in the meantime.

3) I will still be checking my blog stats, comments and feeback form regularly, so feel free to continue to use those parts of the blog.

4) I will still be checking the email account I set up for this blog: 

Thanks again for reading, everyone.

When we walked to the train station together, I asked her why she’d asked me, just before we went to bed the night before, how I felt about her. She said she didn’t know why she asked. She said that she remembers her old relationship fondly, wished she had the same thing now. But she said that she didn’t see herself going into a relationship while she is at university in London, because everybody lives so far away from each other, compared to her old boyfriend who lived just 30 mins walking distance from her house in Bulgaria. I took a sort of solace in this, though was skeptical as to if she would still think that if some nice guy came along.

This time I managed not to cry when we parted. I did apparently look upset though, as she told me: “don’t worry, we will see each other on Saturday, it’s not long”. (She is not staying for the night, she decided.) Yet all through my train journey, and my 25 min walk home, I was fighting back tears. When I got home (the house was empty), I cried for about 15 mins. Not because me and J-O are now seriously just friends. I’d expected that to come eventually, even if not so soon. It’s because I suddenly felt so alone, I suddenly realised fully that I was alone again. It was because I realised that there was no prospect of meeting another girl who liked me for ages, that I’ve wasted pretty much 2 years of my life revolving around this one girl, and now there’s nobody else left.

Since J-O took over the blog anyway, and that’s now ending, I feel it’s time to bring this blog to a close. It’s deteriorated pretty badly in the last year. Not in terms of views, which have gone up, but in terms of content. It’s become all about J-O, a never-ending cycle that was boring and frustrating many readers. It’s burnt me out of blogging, at least for a while. I will leave this blog here, I won’t delete it, so others can read it. I may yet come back to blogging and, if so, will post the link to my new blog here. But I think it’s time to move on. I think it will also help with my personal problems as, if anything, this blog has made me more focused on the details of what troubling me, causing me to focus on them more, in a never-ending spiral. Maybe if I stop thinking so many about things in this blog, I can stop being so uptight, begin to loosen up. Who knows, I may yet return here in something interesting happens. Certainly I will post when I graduate from uni, to bring it to a proper closure.

Lastly, I’d like to thanks all my regular followers and commentors, who have shared their wisdom, some of which was used, others of which were discarded, perhaps wrongly. Thank you for being interested in my life, at least. I wish you all the best of luck in yours.

Goodbye, at least for now,

AnonymousTeenager

Then I saw that my friend’s band were playing a gig in London next weekend, and decided to txt J-O about it, see if she wanted to go (though I said we can go with her friends to make it more acceptable, just in case). She said it would be “awesome” and that she would like to go. The next day I got a txt from her which ended in “love you”, and I unfortunately immediately replied, with “love you, miss you” at the end. A minute later she txted back that it was meant for her flatmate. I really hated myself then, I knew I should of waited. But then she txted me “miss you tho!”, so it wasn’t too bad. I did apologise though. Later she asked what I was doing, and said she’d been out getting a present for the guy that gave her the necklace. I decided to be a gentleman and just said “nice, hope it goes well or whatever”.

After that I spent a few hours in the uni library doing work. I txted her what I was doing but got no response for 3 hours, which got me worried. But then she txted that she didn’t reply because she was in the pub with her roommate, who went home afterwards (instead of back to her halls). It’s at that point that I decided not to worry about this guy, whoever he is.

Then at 9:30pm I got a call. It was from J-O (according to my phone, the call lasted 20 minutes). She was upset, she was even crying a little, because of the uni work she was doing, and because she was alone. She said that she wished I lived in London, that I could see her more often. She said she likes it when there are lots of people around. She said that she had a great time over New Year. She asked about my night out the other night, and I said that it would be nice if we went clubbing together one day. She said it would be “awesome”. She said sorry that she didn’t txt me back quicker, but that she’d left her phone at home. I said that she shouldn’t worry about it, that I don’t mind if she doesn’t txt me back straight away. She asked me, in a hurt-sounding voice, “what do you mean you don’t mind?”, as if I wasn’t that bothered about her and me, or something. I just said that I mind, of course, but that she shouldn’t worry about it, because it wasn’t deliberate. She said she was joking; I didn’t believe her. She said she wished I could see her on Friday (today), but I had work. I suggested the weekend; she said she’d have to see what her roommate is doing. I almost asked her what present she got the guy, but then I said “nevermind”. She asked me what it was, and I said I couldn’t say because she might get angry. She insisted I say what I wanted to say. I did. She said she got him a t-shirt. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but buying a t-shirt for a guy who has given you a necklace isn’t a positive sign (for the guy), right? I asked if she liked him, and she said “I don’t know. He’s nice.” That’s all she said. Doesn’t sound too bad, though she could by lying. She then said that it was great that I was available to talk when she was upset. I simply said that I wished I could be there for her in real life more often. Then as we finished up the conversation I said “miss you”. She immediatly said “what do you mean, you miss me? I’m right here?” I said, taken aback, “it doesn’t matter”. Again she said “it’s okay, I was joking”, and again I didn’t believe her. We said goodbye and that was that.

Then, as I was getting ready for bed she called me again. She called me to say that the books I helped her photocopy when I went to see her a few times ago were really useful. She said she just called to “share how excited” she was about it. Soon after she txted me asking me when I added on fb the roommate’s friend she didn’t like, and I just said it was a few days ago, and that I only did it so as not to be rude, to spare J-O’s feelings.

Later, when I was about to go to bed, I called her. During the call she asked me again if I liked that girl (the roommate’s friend), and I just replied “there is only one girl I like”. She asked “is it me?” I said yes. She said it was “nice, thanks”. “I like you too” was conspicuous by it’s absence. The absence of this phrase got me thinking: all the above things can easily be interpreted in a friend-like way, rather than a romantic-like way. I’m not sure. What do you guys think? Please leave a comment!

I think in the very least though that there’s no real reason for me to worry about this guy. It looks like she doesn’t like him that much. We’ll just have to see, I suppose.

So, that’s just great! Just as things between us seemed to be looking up, this has happened. It looks like she’ll finally be out of my hands for good; if they do get together, which by the sound of it she wants to, that’s me out of the window completely. She now won’t consider staying over my house when she comes to Southampton: if she comes at all. I know they aren’t together yet; I’m being very pessimistic. Yet I suspect that in the next few days it will happen. Fuck my life. Fuck my life!