Work Antics

The other day where I work one of my colleagues was talking about one of my other colleagues. She said that she had complained about him because his mood was ‘affecting his co-workers’ and he was apparently told by somebody, I’m not sure who, that he ‘needs to get laid’ and he apparently cried. Now I’m not sure if this was a joke, but even if it was it was a pretty insensitive, and if it wasn’t, then its very insensitive and out of order, even if this was said to him in jest.

What made it all the more awful to my mind is the fact that this guy is several years younger than me yet he’s already been teased for his lack of success with women. If they think that’s he’s strange for not being successful with women, then imagine what they would find out that I’m an (almost) 21 year-old virgin who has never had a proper girlfriend.

It also vindicates my long-standing policy of putting on a ‘brave face’ in public; to look and act depressed in public is just asking for unwanted attention to yourself. Much better to bottle it up now and regret it later than to reveal your feelings to everyone and be mocked. The world is much better if they don’t know how I really feel; hence this blog…

 

The Inexperienced Lament

They tease me with their skin
They tempt me with their curves
They torture me with their smiles
They torment me with their moves

Please release me from this hopeless life…

In Two Minds

The weather here in the UK was very nice this week. Down south here it got up to about 20 Celsius. I was in two minds about this in a certain respect though. The first is that the weather is hot, which is nice, and this meant that suddenly girls aren’t wearing much clothing, which is also nice. Yet I also came at this from another angle. This second view is that yes, the weather is hot, which is nice, and suddenly girls aren’t wearing much clothing, which is not nice – which is torturous. Why? Because it makes me think of how I’ve never been with a girl, how I don’t think I will ever get with a girl that is as sexy as these girls that are walking around with short shorts, their sexy legs showing, and their tops that show quite a bit of cleavage and aren’t covered up by any other layers of clothing (yes this is a really, really shallow trail of thought, to Shallow Hal kind of level of shallow), how if I ever do get with a girl, it’ll be in years time; I’ll never get to have sex with a girl that’s 18 – 21, the kind of girl you’d see in porn (yes my mind is messed up).

It also doesn’t help with my recent decision to try not to think about sex at all. I’ve tried to stop looking at porn, at ‘touching myself’. I want to try and stop looking at women when I’m walking down the street. But I’ve found it really hard. I can’t even get away from sex at work – yesterday one of my co-workers was talking about sex, how this guy had ‘arrived prematurely’ and seemed to imply she’d had sex with several other employees (not sure if this was serious but made me jealous and at the same time a bit disgusted).

Yes, my relationship with sex is, if you’ll excuse the pun, fucked up beyond belief.

Will I Ever See Her Like Again? (J-O)

You know, I’ve been thinking about something. I thought it might be a good subject for a blog post. But I’m not sure. Why? Because you might judge me as sexist, superficial, or something like that. I admit that perhaps these thoughts do lean a bit that way. But I can’t help it, so don’t blame me.

I can’t help thinking that J-O is the sexiest girl/woman (still not sure which of those words to use. I’m 20 but somehow to use the word ‘woman’ seems to be a bit too grown-up) I will ever go out with (especially since I wonder at the moment if she’ll be the only girl I’ll ever go out with). Warning: the following will be quite gushing in regards to details about sexiness; you have been warned!

She has a nicely toned stomach. I felt it a few times, once when we were in the pub on our first day together; we’d finished our meals and she moved from across from me on the table to sitting next to me (it was a table with 4 seats) and we began making out, and as I did so I slipped my hands up her clothes and touched her stomach. I did similarly the first and second nights we slept together (both of those times her being content for me to touch her).

She may have small boobs (though I never touched them) but her bottom is so sexy. The second night we slept together she was just wearing panties and a t-shirt and I touched it several times. It is just perfect, lovely and pert (okay I feel slightly cringey using that word). It was even nicer when she had to get up out of bed and bend down to pick something up from the floor; I could see the perfect contours of it and I could see the slight… crest (?) where I could tell that was her… you-know-what (for a guy that’s only seen a girl naked in porn, I was simply in heaven to notice just that in real life). Okay that sounds kinda fucked up but it’s the truth of how I felt at the time.

Her legs are so sexy too. One of my favorite things to do when we slept together the first two times was to slip my hand inbetween her legs, right at the top of them, and just keep it there for a bit, just touching her. Thinking about it now, it seems almost a bit of a phyrric (not sure if that’s the right word, it’s hard to say what I mean, but I think you’ll get the gist when I explain it) thing to do; I couldn’t get my, *ahem*, you know, ‘between her legs’ (as such) so having my hand there was like a substitute for that.

Having said that, on the second night we spent together I almost went one further. I don’t think she was asleep, but I wasn’t sure, so I didn’t go to far in case she was. I mean, I kinda knew that she breathes quite heavily when she sleeps, and she wasn’t, but it could have been that she only does that when she’s in deep sleep. Basically, she could have been trying to get to sleep, and so not saying anything, or not saying anything to see what I’d do, or she was asleep. I wasn’t sure, so I didn’t go all the way. What I did was, is I put my hand on her waist, slightly down into her panties, similar to what I’d been putting my hand under her top beforehand. After a while I slightly moved my hand down a bit further. But since I wasn’t sure if she was asleep, (and she certainly didn’t react to what I was doing), I didn’t go far enough down to touch ‘it’ (you know). That’s the furthest I’ve got to getting anywhere near, *ahem*, that. But at the same time it was pretty hot to think that here I was, in bed with a very sexy girl, with one of my hands literally down her panties.

So, you know, I don’t think I’ll ever get with somebody that sexy ever again. I might be wrong of course. But I am glad that before we completely became just friends, I did get some, if limited, ‘action’, ‘experience’, etcetera. It sounds superficial, and it is, if I’m being honest with myself, but I do hope that my next girlfriend, if indeed there is going to be another one, might be some way to being as sexy as J-O.

Why Is Yourself Not Enough?

Why do we need company?
Why do we seek gods?
Why do we seek love?

Why can’t we be happy alone?

Why do we need attraction?
Why do we enjoy touching?
Why do hugs feel so good?

Why can’t I be happy alone?

New Years

I am writing most of this on the train as I head back to Southampton, on the WordPress Android app, to ensure I don’t forget anything important. I have decided to do this post by topic rather than a story of how the time went, because otherwise this post would be so long nobody would read it. It’s long enough as it is! So, here goes:

Me vs roommate: J-O said that she has been living with her roommate for months, and in comparison “you are like a stranger to me.” Her roommate also seems to know, at the very least, that I like J-O. She said something along those lines on the first day, though I can’t remember now exactly what she said.

J-O vs roomate’s friend: J-O’s roommate had 2 friends, one of which stayed over in J-O’s room on Saturday night, while her roomate and other friend slept in a friend’s room. J-O complained that when the beds were put together (which was J-O’s idea) that the friend was too close to me. J-O said she was annoyed when her roommate’s friend hugged me when we were out on Westminster Bridge (when J-O was dancing with random guys!), because “she shouldn’t hug somebody she doesn’t know. Doesn’t she know that you are mine?” I asked J-O if I was only her’s when I got close to another girl. She replied that “you can do what you want. Just it did not make me feel good.” Hypocritical much?

Me and roommate’s friend: I somehow ended up telling the basics of me and J-O to her. She said she could relate to my problem and tried to give me advice. I thought she seemed nice, since she was interested in my problems with J-O, but J-O and J-O’s roommate’s other friend didn’t like her. When J-O said she didn’t like her I said thought she was nice. J-O immediately asked “do you like her?”, to which I replied, “I don’t like like her, I just think she seemed nice.” She seemed satisfied with this.

Me and J-O: she only let me kiss her on the lips a few times. When we were sleeping together I did most of the hugging and almost all of the (non-lip) kissing, though she always wanted to intwine her legs with mine whenever we moved. She was wearing just a t-shirt (my Christmas present to her) and (purple, sort of lacey) panties and I started off staying fully clothed. About halfway through the night she suggested I take my trousers off, and I did; later I decided to take my shirt off, too, leaving me wearing just pants. She got up a few times for various reasons, and it was so sexy watching her move in just that; especially when she had to bent over once or twice. She let me touch her though (not like her boobs or lady-parts but anywhere else) and once, when I had my hand on her bottom, she asked how it was. I said it was very nice, it was sexy. I asked if she minded me touching her there, and she said she didn’t mind. We did kiss on the lips at midnight, the first time I have done such a thing. We watched two films together and both times she was very content to snuggle up with me.  Once I put my finger on her lips and she sort of licked it, which was sexy. Her snuggling up to me, hugging me, closing her eyes as she did so, sometimes falling asleep, was cute, but I couldn’t help thinking it was a bit selfish; she could take advantage of me being there, could snuggle up with me, lean on me, not be lonely, yet I was not able, mostly, to kiss her on the lips, or do anything to please me; all I could do was to enjoy her presence, kiss her on the forehead or cheek, not dare, apart from once or twice, to kiss her on the lips. Again when we slept together I hardly got any sleep.

J-O stuff: I learned she kissed random boys in clubs before. When we were on Westminster Bridge after the fireworks (we couldn’t get there before the fireworks, though we could sort of see them where we were) she danced with a lot of random guys and said happy new year to basically everyone she passed by. She wanted me to stay the night again on Sunday night, but I thought there would not be much point cos I wouldn’t get much sleep and have to do uni work the next day. After I texted her that I got home safely, she called me to see how I was. In the background I could hear her roommate shouting occasionally, and I heard that the three of them (the other friend had gone by then) had a bath together and that they had “seen her cooker”. J-O asked what it meant and it was her, ahem, ‘lady-parts’. On fb chat this morning I joked that when I heard that, ‘I wish I had stayed in the end’.

On her coming over on 21st: her roommate’s friend was from Southampton, it turned out. We started talking about J-O coming to Southampton and J-O told her about the fact she would be only there for 6 hours. J-O’s roommate’s friend then offered for J-O to stay the night at hers, since J-O wasn’t comfortable staying at mine (supposedly because she didn’t want the first time she met my parents to be when she was sleeping over, because they might not like her. I tried to say it was ok, but she wouldn’t concede on this). J-O said she had already booked the coach tickets. Today I found out that if J-O cancelled the tickets 72 hours before her coach was due, she would receive a full refund. I said about this on chat and she said: “mmmm okay. lets discuss it tonight okay. please remind me”. I said ok. I doubt she will go for it, and if she does I am sure she would still insist on staying at her roommate’s friend house not mine. At least she’s prepared to talk about it though.

Self-pleasure

I’ve been thinking about doing a post on this for a while now, but I wasn’t sure about it because (a) it’s awkward (to write and to read) (b) it’s really very personal (c) it’s something I don’t think people really want to know about, for those just mentioned reasons. It’s on what I’m going to euphemistically call ‘self-pleasure’. That reminds me – the other day a guy at my work who is 17/18 didn’t know what ‘euphemism’ meant. I really do weep for humanity! But I digress. Due to the already mentioned sensitive nature of the post I will put the main bit under a ‘read more’ break. Read it at your own mental risk!

Rant

I’m pointless. Fact. My poetry is laughably rubbish. My personal issues are largely inconsequential. I’m scared of the world, my own mind and I’m incapable of change. My life will have no impact on the world and I will have nobody to share it with. My friends will eventually move on as all people must, and I will be left with nothing but my own thoughts to keep me company, much as they do now. I won’t even have a blog, which will leave me with nothing to make it seem that anybody actually cares about me. I will end up with a mediocre job I hate, as most do. I’ll wile away my evenings watching TV, movies or playing video games, much as I do now. I’ll spend most of my waking hours wishing I’d done things differently, just as I do now. I don’t understand how my blog has got more and more subscribers and it has descended more and more into endless, pointless hang-wringing about my non-existent relationship with you-know-who. I don’t understand why my female friend see me as some repressed social misfit who is obsessed with sex and any move towards them is sexual in nature. I wish my life was completely different.

Thoughts on Last Night

I was just in the shower and I started thinking a few things about last night and a few details I left out.

One thing was that when we were in the pub the guys mentioned that they were thinking of going to Amsterdam, and asked if I wanted to come. I said yes, naturally, as it is one of the things people say you should do at least once in your life – and at my age it’s a perfect time to go. Going to Amsterdam, with it’s legalised prostitution, fits in with my thoughts that just strip clubs like I visited yesterday are kind of rips offs because there’s no, interaction, shall we say. Admittedly, I’m not sure about losing my virginity to a prostitute. In fact I have always, when considering the notion, thought I could, would and should wait for it to be with a girl I actually like – like J-O, for example. At the same time, I’m not sure I can wait around much longer and some say that losing your virginity actually doesn’t matter much so shouldn’t worry about such ‘high-minded’ ideas.

Another point about this whole strip club thing: I didn’t tell my parents. I didn’t lie about it though, looking back. It wasn’t intentional but I manged to not tell the truth but not lie either. I said “we went to a pub and a club”. That is completely true – ‘strip club’ is a type of club, it even has club in the title. They asked me if it was packed, I said it was, which was true. Although when I say packed I mean seats were full but nobody had to stand. I did tell my parents about their idea of going to Amsterdam though, and they didn’t seem too bothered. I doubt it’ll actually happen though.

On a random note, not attached to last night, I noticed when I got out of the shower that a recently lost a bit of weight and don’t look too bad, physically, when standing up at least (sitting down showing the fat more of course).

An Awesome and… Interesting… Night Out

Yesterday I went to Portsmouth, firstly to do some uni work, but also secondly to attend my friend’s birthday. I met him and a friend of his at the uni library and we went to KFC. Then we went back to his, stopping at the Co-Op on the way, where I got two four-packs of Buds for £6. We spent the next few hours with a few of his friends, watching Big Bang Theory and drinking. Then we played Ring of Fire, which I wasn’t very good at because I was paying too much attention to selecting music from his iPod to play on the speakers, so I had to drink a lot, especially on the “last one to do whatever has to drink” cards. We had shots of vodka and wine (because they ran out of vodka).

After that we went out to a pub for about an hour or two. I only had two drinks there since I was already pretty drunk from drinking the 6 Buds. By this time it was about midnight and some of the group decided they’d head back to their houses. Only four of us stayed out. We were wondering through the main pub street near the Guildhall, thinking about what club or pub to go to.

It was at that point that a woman came up to us and gave us cards that apparently got us free entry to this strip club they have there. I thought it was funny but didn’t think we’d actually go in. But my friend decided he wanted to go in (it was his birthday after all), so we did go in. I wasn’t really prepared for what I saw when I got in there.

I said to myself that I wouldn’t pay for a stripper because for one thing, it costs money that would be better spent (in my opinion) trying to get with a girl in a club, which can lead to better things (although that wouldn’t happen). Secondly, it’s a lot of money in itself (£20 for a lap-dance). Thirdly, you’re not allowed to touch them (obviously) which means that it seems quite pointless – all about the visual, not the physical, and I get enough of the visual with porn.

But several women walking around in nothing but lingerie tends to do strange things to a supposedly fairly intelligent male mind. Also, when everyone else has decided they’re going to go for it you tend not to want to be left out – that is to say, sitting alone while they go off in the back with no company aside from the women walking around in lingerie who only talk to you when they want you to pay them for a dance. Yes, you know that’s the only reason they talk to you, but they do it in such a way that you can’t help but find sincere and not just money-grabbing.

The actual ‘event’, shall we say, was a bit strange. You go into a lounge area, behind a curtain. Since I was quite drunk I didn’t find it as exciting as I thought I might (no-touching non-withstanding). But it was still very… nice. You tend to forget everything else when there is a girl in front of you stripping, rubbing up against your crotch with their bottom or mouth or rubbing up against your leg with their body. Especially for people (i.e. me) who have not got laid yet. Once it was over – which was a bit too quickly for my liking – she offered “for another £20, a two for one deal, with a lesbian show” (that is to say, another £20 for another lap-dance/strip with two girls for me, with some lesbian action between the two). I was tempted but managed to resist, saying “no thanks”.

So I went back out and sat with my friends, and we all bought a drink each. After a short while some girls came up to us again (different ones), and asked if we wanted more. We initially resisted but soon gave in – as I say, it’s too tempting when they’re standing there with hardly any clothes on. So another £20 was handed over and the same happened again (albeit with a different woman, doing a few different moves, with a bonus of a kiss on the cheek, which was a nice touch. It seems to be a ploy for more money as one of the other guys cited this as a major reason for going for a third dance, the second with this girl, after which he revealed that, since he’d payed so much, she said he didn’t have to worry so much about the no-touching rule, although how he took advantage of this, he didn’t say.) I then regretted not going for the earlier offer since I would have spent the same amount of money but got an extra girl and a ‘lesbian show’ thrown in.

So yeah, it was an interesting night and another first for me!