Dampening My Mood Again

I mentioned it on Twitter but not on here, that a (female) friend offered to go to my Graduation Ball with me. J-O had encouraged to ask her too after she saw my friend offer to come on FB. I talked to this friend the other day and she said she couldn’t come. Since J-O had encouraged me to go with her, I txted her the next day that I would be going to my Grad Ball on my own. Then she said that, if she gets her work permission sorted for the summer (i.e. she is hoping to work in the UK for the summer) then she would come.

So, yesterday on FB I mentioned that I had bought the tickets in a status, and told J-O that I had told my parents about it (I mentioned it because J-O had called the previous day asking for advice with uni work and I said I’d bought the tickets, and she asked if I’d asked my parents, which I hadn’t). We started talking about it, perfectly pleasantly, then she suddenly says:

J-O:     [My name] just to say
i am coming as a friend
if everything
is fine and i am here

Me:    yeah I know
it’s fine

J-O:    otherwise, i would not come just saying, because i dont wanna dissapoint you, if you have expected something and then it does not happen
just saying
i will make sure you will have a good night
and will do my best as friend

Me:    yeah I know, it’s fine, honestly
I didn’t even think about it in any other way
honestly

J-O:    okay just saying

Me:    sure

J-O:    it is a big night for you

Me:    just it is easier to have a good time when u are with somebody u know, even as a friend

J-O:    so it should be nice
yes i guess

Me:    for me anyway lol

J-O:    sure

Now that killed my mood. It pisses me off actually. Since the gig back in the beginning of January I have demonstrated that I have fully accepted that we are, and will only ever be, just friends. When I thought about J-O coming to my Grad Ball, I only thought about it in terms of having somebody to go with. Not a single thought was about the possibility of it being some sort of date, or anything like that. I just can’t go on my own, I would be miserable. I can’t have fun on my own; I am a very self-conscious person, I am only comfortable having fun in a social situation with somebody else, because I know that it doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks about me, as I have a friend with me who I know likes me, won’t be put off by anything I do, so I can just think about having a good time with them, instead of thinking about having a good time around a lot of people I don’t know, who may be judging me. All this little talk did was to remind me that we are only just friends and that there was at one point a possibility of something more which has now gone. Just as I thought I was doing well (getting over her), something like this comes along and sets me back who-knows-how-long. I hope she doesn’t ever make such a comment again in the future… I hope she’s realised I’ve moved on just as she has…

As I was on the train today I was listening to music, and Hey There Delilah came on on shuffle. Ever since we ‘broke up’ (as such) I’ve skipped it every time it came on (it was ‘our song’, as such). This time I thought, no, I will leave it on. This is another thing I have to reintegrate into my life, free once more of J-O connections. I need to listen to it, to help me move on. It didn’t work. If anything, it made me feel worse. In fact, it made me cry a little. It hadn’t lost any of it’s J-O connections, though they had changed form; instead of sounding positive, the song sounds negative. In fact, in my new perspective it is easy to read it negativly. How? It’s all from his perspective: he says it’s perfect, he says there is distance but it doesn’t matter, he says they will be able to be together one day. Delilah does not speak, and it’s easy to imagine that he sings this not because it’s true, but it is because it is what he, naively, hopes, when in reality there is no chance. That’s what so great about music, in a way, I guess; you can interpret it in so many different ways…

Grad Ball?

The other day I got an email from my university reminding me about tickets for the Graduation Ball. Unlike previous such emails (which went into the ‘trash’ without a thought), I stopped and realised I hadn’t actually considered at all if I should go to this shindig. There are two strands of thought I have on this issue.

The first and most obvious one of these strands is regret. I would probably regret not going – after all, it’s only going to happen once. I may enjoy it. Even if I didn’t enjoy it, at least I can say I went; if you can say you went, you don’t have to reveal how you felt about it, whereas if you say you didn’t even go then you’d be instantly siezed on, with people saying energetically ”were you insane!?” (or words to that effect).

The second and the one that sprang first to my mind is indifference. I would probably regret going – after all, I didn’t enjoy my prom, at which there were many more people that I knew, so why would I enjoy this? I’d just stand around looking like a right numpty, especially with no nice lady-friend to dance with (which I assume almost all people will). Admittedly this time I can drink alcohol, which would make it easier to grin-and-bear-it.

Overall I’m not sure. Besides which, I can’t even afford the ticket at the moment, although that should be sorted by tomorrow with a bit of a switcheroo of funds within my myriad of different accounts, from ISAs to savings to current accounts. I dunno. Maybe I should go. Especially since shame and peer pressure is such a powerful force in my life. Maybe I should ask if J-O wants to accompany me, which would solve the lady-friend problem, although she’d have to pay for herself.

Last Weekend & The New Girl

Last weekend I visited a friend, M, at her uni. On the same weekend, this girl who I’d met before, who is a friend of M’s and who I’ve talked to about relationships (including J-O) before (although only through fb chat), was visiting too. So I thought this might be a good opportunity to get to know her better in person.

We spent most of the time with M and her housemates, who were all a bit geeky, to varying degrees. We spent the early afternoon playing on M’s Xbox and I started drinking a bit before everyone else. Eventually we all headed to a pub, where we had dinner and each bought a round of two mixer jugs (as it was a Wetherspoons and they do a deal on that). This was when my level of drunkness peaked and, if I’m honest, I was concentrating on drinking more than interacting with everyone else (which, if anything, thinking about it, is just an excuse to be shy; I can’t talk because I’m busy drinking).

We left the pub at about 22:30, heading back to their house. When we got there more of M’s friends arrived and we played Mario Kart Wii for several hours. Again I didn’t interact much with the others. Firstly this was because I was concentrating on getting used to the Wii controls (I’ve never used a Wii before), but then everyone started talking about relationships, which I really did not want to talk about, so I stayed silent. Luckily, this was when everyone else’s drunkeness peaked, so they didn’t notice my shyness.

Finally, at about 3am, we began to wrap up Mario Kart and get the sofas ready for me and the girl to sleep on (one each, adjacent to each other). Everyone else said goodnight and we settled in for (what was left of) the night. Given my lack of interaction for the entire day with everyone, but especially with this girl (who I kinda like, if you didn’t already guess, though my Twitter followers may know already), I expected that we’d just go straight to sleep.

This didn’t happen, though. Instead, she decided to talk about M’s relationship problems, which I won’t go into. Then she began to discuss the day. She said how she liked M’s flatmates, that they seem really nice, that it’s a shame all but one of them be moving away next year (they are all second years but are moving for some reason I can’t remember). Then we moved onto discussing relationships, the topic being introduced by her via asked how me and J-O are doing. I said to her how I was trying to move on but that I didn’t think I would find anybody else soon. Then she started talking about her relationship, specifically her last one. She said that she wasn’t sure about starting a relationship at her uni or back here, since both would involve distance that she said she is keen to avoid, as her last relationship (which ended badly), was distance-based. I said that it is understandable. Then she said that she prefers to be friends first with guys, before going out with them. Immediately after she said that, she said she considered me to be a friend (which sounded suggestive to my mind, but might not actually be). She also said, a few minutes later I think, that her ideal guy would be a mix between the me and the 3 guys in the house. I pointed out that this was a strange ideal guy, based as it is on quite geeky people, though I can’t remember what was her response to this. She then said that I seemed quite quiet, perhaps because I was sobering up, and I agreed this probably was the cause, though I also said that it was also because they’d all started discussing relationships, which I didn’t want to talk about. She said ‘yeah, I think we peaked at different times, you were going down [in drunkeness] while I was still going up’. I’m not sure if that is significant in any way but it felt it at the time. She also suggested we visit M more often, and she said it would be good if I went at the same time as her because she ‘prefer[s] going with somebody else’ when visiting friends. I said that it sounded like a good idea (ok, that is probably just friendly but it does show she does want to spend time with me, for whatever reason).

So yeah, that was pretty much it. It was a mixed bag really, if looked at positively, or perhaps just friendly if looked at neutrally or negatively. I dunno. Maybe something will happen; maybe it won’t. It would be nice to have another friend at least. Interestingly, in the time since the weekend, I’ve found that her and J-O take up about the same amount of my thoughts. In a way I hope that it swings towards the former rather than the latter. Okay, the former isn’t exactly positive, but it’s better than dwelling on J-O; anything that’ll help me move on is good.

From now on this new girl I like will be referred to as J-R (I know it’s similar to J-O but it just makes it so much easier, for a reason I won’t disclose, but you might be able to guess). I doubt there will be many posts about her for now, but it may increase if (and I say if) anything happens. Which it probably won’t. But it’s nice to hope…

An Unusually Good Night

I went out in Portsmouth last night and finally went to a club there. It was really good but the music was a lot louder than in the Southampton clubs I usually go to, which was kind of annoying. Also all who came except one friend of mine disappeared shortly after midnight, and we left around 1am. It was unusually good because for the first time in ages I’ve gone out and not felt like leaving towards the end of the night because I was feeling lonely.

In fact, it was only when I woke up this morning and looked at my phone that I got any such feelings. Why? Because there was a txt on there from J-O, sent at 3am. It just said “I’m drunk and I miss you”. Well, I say such feelings, but actually even after I saw that I didn’t actually feel sad or anything about it. All I txted back was “Aww my angel, sorry I didn’t see your txt until now. Hope you’re ok (hug)”. The only thing I thought about it was that perhaps she does still have some romantic feelings lurking around. Then I thought it was probably only just a friendly missing of me. Then I thought it was probably just cos she was drunk and lonely, not because she was actually missing me in any way. My mind entertained possibilities that she’d suddenly say she wants me back, but I didn’t take it seriously. In fact, while I was waiting for the train to go back to Southampton, I looked back at her txt and thought wittily to myself; “she was drunk and she missed me? I should have txted back ‘I was drunk and I didn’t miss you’, for once! Maybe I’m finally getting over her.”

It was great that I didn’t think about her at all last night. Maybe I am managing to move on after all…

My Secondary School Prom

I was watching an episode of the US TV show Greek today. In it, it turns out that the main character did not go to his high school prom because he could not find a date. That got me thinking about if I’d posted about my secondary school prom on here. I checked, and I hadn’t. So, here it is!

As you might remember, my school was an all-boys one. So how did we have a prom, I hear you ask? Well, we had a ‘sister school’ which was all-girls, so every year we had our prom together. It made sense, right? Wrong! The thing is, the other school was a lot bigger than ours and, as such, there were about double the amount of girls than boys. It was very awkward from the start, with all the guys clustered together in one corner.

A friend of mine arranged for a few of us (all guys) to take a limo to the prom from his house. That was the best bit about the whole night really. To be honest, I did not want to be there at all, but I had to because of my parents. Soon after we got there, there was a buffet, but the food was awful. I couldn’t eat any of it. I hang around with my friends for a bit but they soon went up to the dance floor.

I felt very awkward sitting there alone quite near the dancefloor. I did not want to be there really. I certainly did not want to dance, never having done so before. I sat there for a while but soon had enough. I retreated towards the back of the place, at a table almost in complete darkness, and just sat there, constantly filling my glass with orange juice from the several jugs of the stuff on the table. I pretty much spent the rest of the night sitting there. A few times a couple of girls would wonder over and asked me if I was ok. Some asked if I wanted to dance. I said that I did not. They were all very pretty, which made it even more difficult to say yes. One lot even had their picture taken with me, randomly.

I wouldn’t say I regretted what I did that day, as such. At an event where we were too young to be allowed alcohol, I was never going to be able to get up and dance. (In fact a similar thing will be the subject of a later post). Yes, it was a missed opportunity, perhaps. It shows how introverted, shy and risk-avoiding I had become by this stage. Yet, looking back, it was the peak of my introversion. I was about the start (sixth form) college where I would come out of my skin. Admittedly, since I started uni, I have fallen back down the slippery slope. I blame this mostly on J-O: why risk trying to make new friends when you have a nice girl waiting for you on Skype in the evenings? So now I’m left with just a few friends here, who are not even close friends.

Oh well, things could be worse I suppose…

Last night = good night

Last night I went clubbing in town for my friend’s birthday, the first time I’ve been clubbing in ages. I got pretty drunk and had a lot of fun.
We went to 90 Degrees then Reflex as we always do. Most of my friends left before the end though, leaving just me and 2 other – male – friends. They both pulled. One of them is quite shy and socially awkward, more than me, so that was brilliant. I congratulated him several times (right in front of the girl he pulled lol). I felt kind of left out but was too excited for my friend to fully realise it. I texted J-O that out of my friends that were left I was the only one not kissing anybody, as she replied “sorry :/”. That was pleasantly surprising. I had texted her earlier to say I wished she was with me, and she’d said she did too, which was nice.
When I got home I called her and had a little chat, though I don’t really remember what I said. I cried a little afterwards as I finally realised how alone I felt. I couldn’t believe that somebody shier than me could pull a girl in a club when I can’t. I’m feeling ok about it now though, because my sober self long ago made peace with the fact I will never pull a girl at a club. Or anywhere…

New Years

I am writing most of this on the train as I head back to Southampton, on the WordPress Android app, to ensure I don’t forget anything important. I have decided to do this post by topic rather than a story of how the time went, because otherwise this post would be so long nobody would read it. It’s long enough as it is! So, here goes:

Me vs roommate: J-O said that she has been living with her roommate for months, and in comparison “you are like a stranger to me.” Her roommate also seems to know, at the very least, that I like J-O. She said something along those lines on the first day, though I can’t remember now exactly what she said.

J-O vs roomate’s friend: J-O’s roommate had 2 friends, one of which stayed over in J-O’s room on Saturday night, while her roomate and other friend slept in a friend’s room. J-O complained that when the beds were put together (which was J-O’s idea) that the friend was too close to me. J-O said she was annoyed when her roommate’s friend hugged me when we were out on Westminster Bridge (when J-O was dancing with random guys!), because “she shouldn’t hug somebody she doesn’t know. Doesn’t she know that you are mine?” I asked J-O if I was only her’s when I got close to another girl. She replied that “you can do what you want. Just it did not make me feel good.” Hypocritical much?

Me and roommate’s friend: I somehow ended up telling the basics of me and J-O to her. She said she could relate to my problem and tried to give me advice. I thought she seemed nice, since she was interested in my problems with J-O, but J-O and J-O’s roommate’s other friend didn’t like her. When J-O said she didn’t like her I said thought she was nice. J-O immediately asked “do you like her?”, to which I replied, “I don’t like like her, I just think she seemed nice.” She seemed satisfied with this.

Me and J-O: she only let me kiss her on the lips a few times. When we were sleeping together I did most of the hugging and almost all of the (non-lip) kissing, though she always wanted to intwine her legs with mine whenever we moved. She was wearing just a t-shirt (my Christmas present to her) and (purple, sort of lacey) panties and I started off staying fully clothed. About halfway through the night she suggested I take my trousers off, and I did; later I decided to take my shirt off, too, leaving me wearing just pants. She got up a few times for various reasons, and it was so sexy watching her move in just that; especially when she had to bent over once or twice. She let me touch her though (not like her boobs or lady-parts but anywhere else) and once, when I had my hand on her bottom, she asked how it was. I said it was very nice, it was sexy. I asked if she minded me touching her there, and she said she didn’t mind. We did kiss on the lips at midnight, the first time I have done such a thing. We watched two films together and both times she was very content to snuggle up with me.  Once I put my finger on her lips and she sort of licked it, which was sexy. Her snuggling up to me, hugging me, closing her eyes as she did so, sometimes falling asleep, was cute, but I couldn’t help thinking it was a bit selfish; she could take advantage of me being there, could snuggle up with me, lean on me, not be lonely, yet I was not able, mostly, to kiss her on the lips, or do anything to please me; all I could do was to enjoy her presence, kiss her on the forehead or cheek, not dare, apart from once or twice, to kiss her on the lips. Again when we slept together I hardly got any sleep.

J-O stuff: I learned she kissed random boys in clubs before. When we were on Westminster Bridge after the fireworks (we couldn’t get there before the fireworks, though we could sort of see them where we were) she danced with a lot of random guys and said happy new year to basically everyone she passed by. She wanted me to stay the night again on Sunday night, but I thought there would not be much point cos I wouldn’t get much sleep and have to do uni work the next day. After I texted her that I got home safely, she called me to see how I was. In the background I could hear her roommate shouting occasionally, and I heard that the three of them (the other friend had gone by then) had a bath together and that they had “seen her cooker”. J-O asked what it meant and it was her, ahem, ‘lady-parts’. On fb chat this morning I joked that when I heard that, ‘I wish I had stayed in the end’.

On her coming over on 21st: her roommate’s friend was from Southampton, it turned out. We started talking about J-O coming to Southampton and J-O told her about the fact she would be only there for 6 hours. J-O’s roommate’s friend then offered for J-O to stay the night at hers, since J-O wasn’t comfortable staying at mine (supposedly because she didn’t want the first time she met my parents to be when she was sleeping over, because they might not like her. I tried to say it was ok, but she wouldn’t concede on this). J-O said she had already booked the coach tickets. Today I found out that if J-O cancelled the tickets 72 hours before her coach was due, she would receive a full refund. I said about this on chat and she said: “mmmm okay. lets discuss it tonight okay. please remind me”. I said ok. I doubt she will go for it, and if she does I am sure she would still insist on staying at her roommate’s friend house not mine. At least she’s prepared to talk about it though.

The Solution That Isn’t A Solution (J-O)

Well, on the subject of my last post, there has been a conclusion of sorts. A very messy, uncertain conclusion.

I decided to say to J-O that unless I could sleep in her bed, I wouldn’t go. She didn’t quite concede on that point. What she said was that if bringing a sleeping bag was the problem then I didn’t have to bring one, and that they could push the beds together and we (that is, J-O, me, her roommate, and her roommate’s cousin, of whom I don’t know if it’s male or female, although I’m guessing female) could all sleep on there. She also suggested I could use the next room as the person who usually lives there gave J-O the keys for in case her mum wanted to sleep there. I said I wouldn’t be comfortable sleeping in another person’s bed, especially since that bed belongs to a man. (The thought of sleeping in another man’s bed is not good, you have no idea what kind of things they’ve got up to in there. If it was a woman’s that would be okay, because, well, it’s hard to explain, but you know what we guys are like). She said ok but I suspect she may yet suggest it again.

In amongst talking about all this, we ended up in another discussion about ‘us’. She basically said that she wants us just to be friends and when I said that all I want is for us to be able to do whatever we want when we meet, as we have done, she said that “just because it” (kissing and suchlike) “has happened before, doesn’t mean it will happen again”. I basically accepted that in a way. I told her that all I asked of her was to remember how I feel about her. She asked if that meant she had to do anything, and I said no, because that’s not fair on her. The reason I accepted this was because I figure that so far, every time we have met we have ended up, eventually, bring more than friendly. I know that there is a strong possibility that this won’t happen every time, but I am gambling that because tonight will be a night of drunken festivities, there is an increased likelihood that we will end up more than friendly; after all, the one time she texted me that she missed me was when she was drunk with her mum. I can only hope the theory is true, that if she is drinking she is more likely to reveal how she really thinks of me, remember how much she likes me, as more than a friend.

I feel terrible for not going to my friend’s New Year party and telling her at such short notice though. I know it’s not good, not something a good friend would do, but I just can’t resist the opportunity to see J-O. It’s an awful excuse, but I can’t help it. Especially since, as I’ve said, there is an opportunity that, again, in the heat of the moment, J-O will throw caution to the wind and, shall we say, ‘enjoy my company’.

The Dilemma That Isn’t A Dilemma – Help Me Out Here!

I’m in a real dilemma here. Wait, no I’m not. This is a absurd dilemma. It shouldn’t even be an issue. But you know me, making big deals out of everything as usual. So, here’s the thing:

J-O now says her roommate will be back tomorrow for new years, but that I could stay. BUT, I would have to bring a sleeping bag and sleep on the floor. Apparently her roommate’s cousin will also be staying the night in her room, along with her roommate, which would mean it would be 4 people; two on their beds, two on sleeping bags on the floor.

Firstly, I thought, I don’t think there’s room for 2 people to sleep in sleeping bags on the floor and secondly, I can’t be bothered to go all the way to London lugging around a sleeping bag.

She said that I can think about it and she will call me back later. So, I thought I’d ask you guys what you think. I need repies by midnight GMT please!

On the one hand, I don’t want to lug a sleeping bag up to London, nor do I want to sleep in it on the floor; I’d want to sleep in her bed.

On the other hand, it’s an opportunity to see her, and such opportunities don’t come along very often.

So here’s the dilemma: do I go to my friend’s house, where I can drink a lot, have fun with my friends and sleep there in a sleeping bag, or do I go to London, lug a sleeping bag there, drink not too much, party with her friends who I don’t know, & not be able to kiss her & stuff?

I know it sounds like a non-decision: any sensible person would go to their friends and have maximum fun.

But I’m not a sensible person and although I won’t be able to be affectionate towards her, at least I’ll be spending time with her.

A Little J-O Update [Updated 22:52]

Today I spent most of the day out with my family, so I didn’t see the comment posted on my last post suggesting I cut all contact with J-O. By the morning I wasn’t angry at her. I was disappointed in a way but really pretty much just resigned to the fact she did this to me once more. After so many of these incidents I’m not too bothered by them. She called me at 5:20pm to ask me some advice on her essay. I was in the car with my family at the time but I decided to talk to her. My dad joked that I was now her private tutor.

A few minutes after I called her, I got a text message from her saying “Are you going to be in Southampton on the 20th of January, because I will come during the day?”. I replied “yeah I will be here. Will we not be able to meet until then?”. She replied “we must be, just asking. hugs”, which I understood to be an autocorrect mistake, as in it should have said, “we might be, just asking. hugs”. I replied “Ok I hope we see each other before then but it would be nice to show you Southampton anyway. Talk soon, hugs.” She replied “Okay I also want to see, what’s worrying me is my uni work, Hugs will call you later”.

She did indeed call me later, when I was back home. It was about helping her with her essay again. At one point I said “it would be easier for you to help me if I was there”, at which point she went silent. After what seemed like minutes but what must have been only 10 seconds, she said that she doesn’t want to disappoint me but feels that she wouldn’t do any work if I was there. She said she was worried that if I stayed I would ‘expect something to happen which wouldn’t happen’ i.e. sex, and I reminded her that I’d already offered to sleep in the other bed even. When she asked me if I meant this, I said, “not exactly. What I mean is, I am not expecting anything to happen other than what we did when we slept together before, just hug and kiss. I know we wouldn’t do anything else, because you explained it before.” She asked me what I thought we ‘were’, and I said that I know we can’t be ‘together’, but we are “more than friends”. She asked me what I meant, and I simply said “well, I don’t think friends sleep together, hugging and kissing.” She again said that she didn’t think she could work when I was here. She said she would call me again later and I said: “ok, how about this. If you decide you want to meet up and spent a few days together you can say so, but I won’t mention it again. It’ll be up to you.” She said ok, we said goodbye and hung up.

The reason I said that is because I know she won’t want me to come, and I’d rather not go through the whole charade again. So now it’s 10pm and I’m watching Independence Day on E4, trying not to think of the impending call. I know I should just forget about it, about her, but I can’t. I’m really very sorry, all my readers who think I should give up, but I’m not ready. I don’t know if I will be for a long time. I know how stupid it is. I suppose it’s like smoking, really. I think ‘how can smokers smoke, knowing how bad it is for their health. They must know the risks. Yet they keep going’.  And so like the smoker I will keep doing this thing is bad for me. One day I may summon the willpower to give up; but I won’t think it’ll be soon.

UPDATE, 22:52: Just got another call from J-O, she only asked me about her work, nothing else. I’ll probably go to bed soon. I’ll have to call into work tomorrow to tell them that I will be working Friday after all. On the positive side, my friend is hosting a small gathering at her parent’s house for new year, which should be awesome.