The End Of The Blogging Road

I don’t remember if I mentioned it on here (I know I did on Twitter), but yesterday I went to a gig in London with J-O. It went ok apart from an argument after I thought she’d left the venue early, without me. This time, she gave out no mixed signals at all. When we were heading back (and I was drunk) I started to kiss her cheek, but she told me to stop. When we were sleeping together, she didn’t hug me or even intwine her legs with mine as she’d done before (though she did motion to me to hug her several times, and held my hand and played with my hair a few times). It seems that we now really are just friends. When we parted this morning I cheekily stole one kiss on the lips, for which I was (not particularly seriously) reprimanded for. Considering it was the last kiss I’m going to have for a long time, it was worth it.

When we walked to the train station together, I asked her why she’d asked me, just before we went to bed the night before, how I felt about her. She said she didn’t know why she asked. She said that she remembers her old relationship fondly, wished she had the same thing now. But she said that she didn’t see herself going into a relationship while she is at university in London, because everybody lives so far away from each other, compared to her old boyfriend who lived just 30 mins walking distance from her house in Bulgaria. I took a sort of solace in this, though was skeptical as to if she would still think that if some nice guy came along.

This time I managed not to cry when we parted. I did apparently look upset though, as she told me: “don’t worry, we will see each other on Saturday, it’s not long”. (She is not staying for the night, she decided.) Yet all through my train journey, and my 25 min walk home, I was fighting back tears. When I got home (the house was empty), I cried for about 15 mins. Not because me and J-O are now seriously just friends. I’d expected that to come eventually, even if not so soon. It’s because I suddenly felt so alone, I suddenly realised fully that I was alone again. It was because I realised that there was no prospect of meeting another girl who liked me for ages, that I’ve wasted pretty much 2 years of my life revolving around this one girl, and now there’s nobody else left.

Since J-O took over the blog anyway, and that’s now ending, I feel it’s time to bring this blog to a close. It’s deteriorated pretty badly in the last year. Not in terms of views, which have gone up, but in terms of content. It’s become all about J-O, a never-ending cycle that was boring and frustrating many readers. It’s burnt me out of blogging, at least for a while. I will leave this blog here, I won’t delete it, so others can read it. I may yet come back to blogging and, if so, will post the link to my new blog here. But I think it’s time to move on. I think it will also help with my personal problems as, if anything, this blog has made me more focused on the details of what troubling me, causing me to focus on them more, in a never-ending spiral. Maybe if I stop thinking so many about things in this blog, I can stop being so uptight, begin to loosen up. Who knows, I may yet return here in something interesting happens. Certainly I will post when I graduate from uni, to bring it to a proper closure.

Lastly, I’d like to thanks all my regular followers and commentors, who have shared their wisdom, some of which was used, others of which were discarded, perhaps wrongly. Thank you for being interested in my life, at least. I wish you all the best of luck in yours.

Goodbye, at least for now,

AnonymousTeenager