A Nice, Then Suddenly Screwed Up, Conversation! (J-O)

J-O phoned me today cos yesterday I told her the dates of these public LSE lectures I’m going to with the Politics and Debating Society at uni. She said that she would be interested in going but wasn’t sure about times. I said I’d sent her the details on fb shortly. I did so pretty much straight after and she said she’d try to make it.

Then, randomly, she asked me if I “was going to stay”. Not liking to assume anything, I asked “stay where?”. She replied “stay here”. I said it would be nice. Then she said she wasn’t sure cos she has uni work to do. I said “okay don’t worry about it.” She said “as you wish”, which I know is J-O code for ‘suit yourself’. So I asked her what she thought. She said “i dunno really its up to you. if you wanna stay i will try to make sure i do my notes, in the day before or on the weekend”. I said “would you like me to stay? I would like to, but I wouldn’t like to disrupt your work.” She said “okay stay and i will try to do my notes in advance, on the weekend, say.” I said okay. It was a bit strange that she was offering me to stay, but I suppose it at least means she considers me a friend again. It might not even happen anyway, I’m not sure.

Anyway, here comes the screwed up part! She called me just after this, I asked about it and she said she was joking, but I don’t think she was (not for the first time, and probably not the last).

J-O: okay, i have to go now

me: ok

J-O: need a shower and to go to a solicitor

me: have a good day

J-O: have a good day

me: good luck

J-O: dont repeat what i say

me: lol ok

J-O: good! i hate it when you do so

me: it was at the same time. it wasn’t deliberate

J-O: mine was first!

me: according to chat it was mine

J-O: tc. wrong. mine was 1st, excuse me!

me: well sorry but not according to what it says on my chat. maybe fb is a bit slow at my end

J-O: maybe. okay. have a great day

me: thanks, you too, bye

J-O: what do you mean bye

Me: you’re going to have a shower you said

J-O: yes i am. and what, are you trying to get rid of me

me: no! I thought you were going

J-O: yes I am. need to do the dishes before that tho

me: ok

J-O: okay

I mean, seriously, WTF!? It was so screwed up, I first got angry then I laughed about how absurd it was!

Two Letters (J-O)

I am thinking of sending two letters to J-O in the coming month or so. I am still not sure yet. I think it would be a nice goodwill gesture though, a good way to get her thinking of me in more favorable terms (in friend terms only).

One of these is an actual letter-letter. It’s one talking about our two-year meeting anniversary. I have always sent her letters on significant dates, be it when she was in Bulgaria or here, and since we are (just) still friends I see no reason to continue. In it I will admit that I made mistakes, that the last year hasn’t been perfect, but that I hope we can still be friends, and that I wish her the best of luck for the future. I think it’s a good way to remind her I am here, since it can be read at her leisure, or in fact not at all if she feels like it (even if that would slightly destroy the point; but I feel that it’s better I send something that isn’t so visible and in-your-face, like a txt or a message on fb). Hopefully it will go some way to convince her we can be friends, since it is a friendly continuation of normal recurring traditions (for want of a better phrase).

A Martenitsa

The other is not a letter-letter but an envelope with a Martenitsa in it and perhaps a postcard with a few choice words. What is a Martenitsa, I hear you ask? Well, it’s a traditional Bulgarian, erm, well, ‘adornment’, as wikipedia calls it. A decorative object sort of thingy. People wear them on March 1st, to welcome the coming spring. The name of the holiday is Baba Marta. J-O tried to send me one after knowing me just two weeks or so, but I didn’t let her, not fully trusting her at the point, and she got a little upset. She eventually sent it to me in a letter once I’d trusted her fully enough to give her my address. I’d like to sent it to remind her of that but also to show how I remembered about this Bulgarian tradition, how I try to understand her. It is something I doubt anyone else would be doing, especially since you probably can’t buy them in the UK. So where would I get one, I hear you ask? Well, I found a U.S. website which makes them to order and it only costs $8.75, including shipping, which is about £6, which I think is a pretty good deal.

Okay, so I’m guessing you think this is all a big mistake, that I should just leave her be, let her go, be done with her, just let her stew for a bit. The thing is, I don’t like to play games. I want to continue our friendship, and to continue with traditions that we have developed over the last 2 years seems a nice way to do that. It shows I am mature enough to recognise we are just friends and I am content enough with that to continue as if nothing untoward has happened. Although I’m still not decided, I think that overall is the right thing to do.

Why Is Yourself Not Enough?

Why do we need company?
Why do we seek gods?
Why do we seek love?

Why can’t we be happy alone?

Why do we need attraction?
Why do we enjoy touching?
Why do hugs feel so good?

Why can’t I be happy alone?

Do I Get A PS Vita?

Lately I’ve become really interested in the PS Vita (basically PSP2) from Sony. I have been a Sony gamer since the PS1 and the Vita simply looks awesome. But it will cost about £250 for the unit itself and necessary accessories, even with £20 worth of Nectar points to take off if I order it from Amazon and use my £4 of GAME Reward Card points on an accessory. Money is pretty tight right now. I have a job but since I only work 8 hours a week it’s only just enough to maintain my balance at a constant level (since I save a portion each month), even though I live at home. So to get it would seriously eat into my balance. I know most students live just above the overdraft line (and often under it) but I’m not comfortable with that.

The thing is, I was thinking about going to the PS Vita showcase event in London on 21st of Feb. But of course that is where J-O is, and I am second-guessing myself that going to this is not to decide if to buy it or not but as a convenient excuse to see if I can hang out with J-O. I know this because I’ve already thought about it; I want to go to see The Muppet Movie, but not on my own here in Southampton, so I was thinking of saying to her something like “oh, I’m going to be in London one day going to this event but I was wondering if you’d like to meet up afterwards? I want to go see The Muppet Movie but don’t particularly want to go on my own back in Southampton, so was wondering if you and maybe some of your friends wanted to see it with me?”

I know it’s pathetic and I hate myself for it but I really do want to go see that film and believe me, I have been to the cinema once on my own and it was really strange, I don’t want to repeat it. It also shows that I can be just friends and if it works out it’ll be a nice way to spend a day. If she doesn’t want to then hey, at least I have an interesting day checking out the PS Vita in London, right? And if I can do that without worrying about her than, hey, that’s a good sign (though the fact I wanted to do it perhaps isn’t).

The only trouble is, the PS Vita is so awesome-looking I’m pretty sure if I got my hands on it then I’d be compelled to buy it. It’s just so cool!

Love Songs Are Depressing

I currently hate love songs. I mean, I’ve always disliked love songs, being chronically alone and etcetera, but currently I hate them, for obvious reasons (for regular readers anyway). When you’ve just realised the only girl who’s ever been interested in you is really only your friend now, and it will always be so, you do get pissed off when somebody sings a song that’s positive, saying how much they, or the third party subject of their song is having a great romance with some very nice woman.

I say this because when me and my family was having dinner the other day a James Blunt song came on and it made me feel very depressed, instantly. For some reason it also made me laugh though, which I’m not sure how to explain. Maybe it was a sort of tired, depressed kind of laughter, a sort of dark laughter, the sort crazy people in films have. The sort of laughter that somehow says, without appearing to; oh god, I’m so alone, it’s so depressing.

A Little Revive

I’m bringing back the blog already! Over the last few days I’ve had reasons to post topics I’ve been thinking about. I think I needed this break to recharge my blogging batteries. However I can’t say that this will be a permanent revival of this blog. I have 8 posts which I will go live one per day over the next week or so, but beyond that I can’t say if I’ll be doing any more posts. I hope you enjoy the ones I have written though – the first one will drop in a few hours.

My Saturday (J-O Visit to Southampton)

Okay so I know it’s only been a few days since I declared this blog to be over but, considering what happened when I saw J-O yesterday, I thought I’d want to share it. I thought about doing it through my Twitter account but it would take too long, I’d have to do it here on my blog. I mentioned this on Twitter and my followers persuaded me to share it here. I don’t think any of you will like what you hear though. I am sure many of you will think I am crazy, I am an idiot. You are probably right. But I did it. I don’t regret it. Now you will know it, after the ‘read more’ link.

P.S: I am not ressurecting the blog, this is just a one off, though what I said the other day still applies.

Oh, One Last Thing

I’d just like to point out a few things that I decided after I posted my supposed ‘last’ post:

1) I may return to the blog if I feel like it. This may only be a temporary break, if I can think of new, interesting things to post about.

2) I will still be updating my Twitter account, if you still want to follow me in some form in the meantime.

3) I will still be checking my blog stats, comments and feeback form regularly, so feel free to continue to use those parts of the blog.

4) I will still be checking the email account I set up for this blog: 

Thanks again for reading, everyone.

The End Of The Blogging Road

I don’t remember if I mentioned it on here (I know I did on Twitter), but yesterday I went to a gig in London with J-O. It went ok apart from an argument after I thought she’d left the venue early, without me. This time, she gave out no mixed signals at all. When we were heading back (and I was drunk) I started to kiss her cheek, but she told me to stop. When we were sleeping together, she didn’t hug me or even intwine her legs with mine as she’d done before (though she did motion to me to hug her several times, and held my hand and played with my hair a few times). It seems that we now really are just friends. When we parted this morning I cheekily stole one kiss on the lips, for which I was (not particularly seriously) reprimanded for. Considering it was the last kiss I’m going to have for a long time, it was worth it.

When we walked to the train station together, I asked her why she’d asked me, just before we went to bed the night before, how I felt about her. She said she didn’t know why she asked. She said that she remembers her old relationship fondly, wished she had the same thing now. But she said that she didn’t see herself going into a relationship while she is at university in London, because everybody lives so far away from each other, compared to her old boyfriend who lived just 30 mins walking distance from her house in Bulgaria. I took a sort of solace in this, though was skeptical as to if she would still think that if some nice guy came along.

This time I managed not to cry when we parted. I did apparently look upset though, as she told me: “don’t worry, we will see each other on Saturday, it’s not long”. (She is not staying for the night, she decided.) Yet all through my train journey, and my 25 min walk home, I was fighting back tears. When I got home (the house was empty), I cried for about 15 mins. Not because me and J-O are now seriously just friends. I’d expected that to come eventually, even if not so soon. It’s because I suddenly felt so alone, I suddenly realised fully that I was alone again. It was because I realised that there was no prospect of meeting another girl who liked me for ages, that I’ve wasted pretty much 2 years of my life revolving around this one girl, and now there’s nobody else left.

Since J-O took over the blog anyway, and that’s now ending, I feel it’s time to bring this blog to a close. It’s deteriorated pretty badly in the last year. Not in terms of views, which have gone up, but in terms of content. It’s become all about J-O, a never-ending cycle that was boring and frustrating many readers. It’s burnt me out of blogging, at least for a while. I will leave this blog here, I won’t delete it, so others can read it. I may yet come back to blogging and, if so, will post the link to my new blog here. But I think it’s time to move on. I think it will also help with my personal problems as, if anything, this blog has made me more focused on the details of what troubling me, causing me to focus on them more, in a never-ending spiral. Maybe if I stop thinking so many about things in this blog, I can stop being so uptight, begin to loosen up. Who knows, I may yet return here in something interesting happens. Certainly I will post when I graduate from uni, to bring it to a proper closure.

Lastly, I’d like to thanks all my regular followers and commentors, who have shared their wisdom, some of which was used, others of which were discarded, perhaps wrongly. Thank you for being interested in my life, at least. I wish you all the best of luck in yours.

Goodbye, at least for now,

AnonymousTeenager

A Song That Makes Me Get Up and Dance Around My Room

Specifically, the part of the song which goes “haven’t you done quite enough, (I’ve?) only gone and broke my heart” (time in video = 2:25). The video is not by the band, but by some local college student’s project. Really makes me think about J-O when I sing that lyric out loud.
I also like the lyric “I wish every inch of you would lay down on my bed and tell you everything that’s been happening in my head, but it’s unlikely that you’d listen to a plea of re-admission to your heart”, which comes just before the previously mentioned lyric.