Spots

Whenever I look in the mirror, one thing always stands out: spots. OK, I only have a few. Yes, I realise that many teenagers have a lot, which I never did, so I probably shouldn’t complain really. But it’s annoying. If anything, they’re more conspicuous for their small amount, they almost make you focus on the few there are by the fact there is only a few of them. If you see what I mean. Sometimes I think I’d look fairly handsome if I didn’t have these few stupid spots on my face. I wash my face daily yet they don’t ever seem to go. I also can’t help picking them either. Disgusting I know. I try not to but it’s difficult. I hope they all go away eventually. Then maybe women will find me a bit more attractive. Maybe…

Kissing: Learning on the Job

Before J-O I’d never kissed a girl before; she’d had boyfriends before, one for over a year. As such the kissing is not great for her. Ordinary kissing is fine, because it’s just natural. It’s ‘french kissing’ that is difficult, since it’s something that’s invented by humans (supposedly because some french village banned sex. Or something. Though that may be something that would set off a klaxon in the ‘General Ignorance’ section of QI). Although I’m not sure that it was ‘invented’ actually. Perhaps it’s just more difficult. I don’t know. Anyway, I’m digressing. The point is, it’s difficult to get good at. I’m getting pretty good at doing an ordinary french kiss, where you sort of use your tongues for a few seconds, finish the kiss (as in bringing your lips together, you know. It’s difficult to describe these things in writing, isn’t it?) and start over again.

However, last week when we were in bed kissing she showed me how to french kiss for longer, a sort of french kiss that lasts for a minute or so. With it you don’t exactly kiss, I’d say. I mean, your mouths are in the kissing position but your lips aren’t really doing anything, it’s just the tongues move around. Now, I don’t know if I was doing it wrong (though she didn’t say I was doing it wrong so I assume I was doing what she wanted) but it seemed strange to me. It was pretty much just our tongues doing a strange dance around each other; not so much touching, rubbing against each other but sort of exploring around the sides of each other’s tongues. It was really strange to me, it didn’t really seem like kissing at all; I found it quite boring actually.

So I’d like to ask you, my readers: does this sound like (A) she’s kissing in a strange way (B) I was doing it wrong but she didn’t tell me (which would be strange as she’d just been directing me on how to kiss a few seconds before) or (C) I was doing it right and it’s strange that I didn’t like it.

Fighting My Feelings

Separated by 1750 miles
We were strong together
Yet separated by 75
You could not handle it

We’re now part-time lovers
With it you have no issue
I’m finding it hard to fight it;
I really, really miss you

When all we did was kiss
It was easier to bear
Now I’ve spent the night with you
My feelings don’t compare

Longing again fills me
My thoughts of you are warm
My love is resurrected
My mind is now a storm

I managed to keep my head
After our connection before
But now I’ve been that close to you
I can’t help wanting more

Time

Time is a strange thing. Or rather, our perception of time is. I’ve recently come across the idea about why time seems to go faster as you get older. As you grow older, units of time like hours, days, months, years, become smaller and smaller proportions of your life. When you’re 5, for example, a year is 1/5 of your life, a month is 1/60 of your life. As you grow older, this goes up and up, so time seems to go faster.

Distance, and having finally done something for the first time also seems to change perceptions of time. It has only been 6 days since I slept with J-O but it already seems like a lifetime away. It seems an especially long time ago when I am lying in bed trying to get to sleep, wishing J-O was lying next to me, wishing I could touch her, feel the warmth of her body. Every time I’ve tried to go to sleep in the last 6 days I have tried to imagine what it would be like if she was there, but I can’t. I could before, but now I’ve experienced the real thing, I can’t. In the context of our relationship, it was essentially yesterday. But in the context of life, of the distance, it’s a lifetime away.

It sounds really girly, doesn’t it? Wanting to ‘hold her’ e.t.c. But that’s the type of guy I am – a hopeless romantic. I just hope I get to experience sleeping with her again soon.

Our First Night Together

You lay there in bed
Watching me passively
I take off my trousers and
Look at you nervously

I pull back the covers
I lay down tentatively
You pull me close and
Put my arm around you

The warmth of your body
Flowed through my skin
The feeling of companionship and
Togetherness warmed my heart

After waiting so long
For this moment to come
My dream had come true and
It was even nicer than thought

To just lie there with you
Our bodies entwined
Was the greatest feeling;
I was content in my mind

The Lamest 21st Ever?

I forgot to post about it on here but the other week I went to what has got to be the worst 21st birthday party ever. It was my cousin’s, who’s wedding to his girlfriend is upcoming. Background: He is an nice guy and he comes from a Protestant family (most of our family is Catholic) who are involved in a local church. So, the actual party.

It took place in his local church hall. It was attended by many people, of which only about 5 were his age, the rest being family members, most of them over 50 (along with a few young children). For the first hour or two the vicar was also in attendance! There was a DJ (playing almost exclusively songs from the 1970s and 1980s) which only managed to attract a few kids and, later on in the evening, a few drunken ladies.

I was so glad I went…

Saturday Night / Sunday Morning

I don’t know if I mentioned it on here, but I certainly mentioned it on Twitter that I was going to a gig in London, without telling J-O. I was going with a friend I knew from school who is at a uni in London. I met him at Waterloo at 5pm and we went to a pub in Camden for a few hours before the gig, had a few drinks and dinner. While we were there we got talking about J-O and he convinced me that I should call her and ask if she wanted to come to the gig with us. I wasn’t sure but eventually I decided to call her.

I asked her if she wanted to come to the gig but she said she was going to watch a movie with some friends of hers and asked me if I wanted to come. Bearing in mind my previous thoughts on the subject of her controlling nature, I decided (rightly) to say that I was going to the gig with my friend, so I couldn’t go. Then she asked if I wanted to come over to her halls after the gig and maybe stay the night(!). I wasn’t sure, so we agreed I’d call her after the gig.

The gig was great, I’d already had a few drinks by the time we got there so I was pretty merry. We chatted to the band a bit (we know them from college) and then went in to see what the other bands were like. They were pretty good but nothing on the band we were wanting to see, so I was getting pretty impatient by the time they got on (they were headlining). They were great as always. When they finished my friend wanted to catch-up properly with one of the band, but I kinda dragged him away because I was eager to phone J-O and see what was going to happen. I’d bought condoms from a machine in the pub earlier just in case, though I wasn’t expecting anything to ‘happen’.

I said I would come over to hers and that I might stay. She asked what my friend was doing and I said I didn’t know; I was waiting to see the outcome of this conversation before deciding. She said he could come to, but not to stay; I said that was fine. So we headed over there and he said he would step aside if it was going well, and maybe see if one of her friends were about (if you catch his meaning). We met up and she said we could go grab a beer from an off-license, as we did. We had a bit of a problem with the hall’s security guard as we didn’t arrange it beforehand but he did eventually let us through. We sat in her room talking, with me often having to repeat what J-O was saying for my friend’s benefit (it didn’t help that he was pretty pissed, more than I was). We were there a while but everybody else was in bed, none of her friends were around, yet it seemed like my friend wasn’t going to go. I managed to hint at him about our deal and so he did leave.

So, there I was, in J-O’s room, with her, alone (her roommate was away for the weekend), staying the night. She got ready for bed, telling me to turn away as she got into her pyjamas, which consisted of a sort of nightie thing (which only just covered down to her waist) and panties. She looked so hot. She asked what I was going to do and we agreed that I could sleep just in my briefs (I’m not a boxer shorts guy). She was already in bed as I took off my shirt and trousers; I was very nervous.

Nothing ‘happened’ as such but we did a lot of kissing and hugging and sort of, got close together once or twice with some… similar movements to, you know what, going on (with our clothes still on). I didn’t get any sleep and woke her up a few times by moving but it was so nice to just lay there and cuddle with her. We didn’t get up until about 11am and even then we didn’t really want to, but had too. She had a shower (after which she didn’t tell me to look away as she was getting dressed but I did anyway) and then we went out for a bit, walking around London, helping her with shopping, having lunch in Trafalgar Square. Finally at 2:30 we went to Waterloo where I bought my ticket home. We stayed together until my train was about to leave. She said she had a good time and I agreed, saying that I hoped we could see each other again soon, a sentiment she then echoed.

So, I went from decided that I she didn’t want anything to do with me and me not wanting anything to do with her to sleeping with her in 8 hours. I have no idea if that’s a terrible flip-flop or just me realising how I truly feel about it, as opposed to what everybody else thinks (no offence). God knows what’ll happen now. I might be staying at her halls for a few days over Christmas or she might come here (she said yesterday that she wants to meet my family); we’ll seen if anything comes of that. I just hope I’m doing the right thing.

6 Months Down The Line

I was just thinking, as I was sitting on the train today, that’s it’s been about 6 months since J-O came to London, and so 6 months since me and J-O last talked properly. I couldn’t believe it’s been that long. I supposed it doesn’t seem to long because I’ve been checking her facebook profile every day, so know a lot of what she’s been up to without talking to her.

It got me thinking. I wonder if I’d still feel as strongly as I still do about her if I hadn’t been checking her facebook regularly, if I’d de-friended her as one of my Twitter followers has suggest. I mean, literally, apart from the 3 times I’ve met up with her in the past 6 months (that’s only once every two months!), we’ve not properly talked, not even had a proper conversation on Skype or facebook chat.

She said she wants to be friends but we never talk. She says we can use this time to get to know each other, but we never meet up. She says she would like to try again in the future, but she’s ignoring me now. Maybe I should just end it…

But I won’t. Why? Because it’s the only thing in my life right now that looks like it might hold something positive in store for the future. Even though it’s not positive now.

Thoughts on Last Night

I was just in the shower and I started thinking a few things about last night and a few details I left out.

One thing was that when we were in the pub the guys mentioned that they were thinking of going to Amsterdam, and asked if I wanted to come. I said yes, naturally, as it is one of the things people say you should do at least once in your life – and at my age it’s a perfect time to go. Going to Amsterdam, with it’s legalised prostitution, fits in with my thoughts that just strip clubs like I visited yesterday are kind of rips offs because there’s no, interaction, shall we say. Admittedly, I’m not sure about losing my virginity to a prostitute. In fact I have always, when considering the notion, thought I could, would and should wait for it to be with a girl I actually like – like J-O, for example. At the same time, I’m not sure I can wait around much longer and some say that losing your virginity actually doesn’t matter much so shouldn’t worry about such ‘high-minded’ ideas.

Another point about this whole strip club thing: I didn’t tell my parents. I didn’t lie about it though, looking back. It wasn’t intentional but I manged to not tell the truth but not lie either. I said “we went to a pub and a club”. That is completely true – ‘strip club’ is a type of club, it even has club in the title. They asked me if it was packed, I said it was, which was true. Although when I say packed I mean seats were full but nobody had to stand. I did tell my parents about their idea of going to Amsterdam though, and they didn’t seem too bothered. I doubt it’ll actually happen though.

On a random note, not attached to last night, I noticed when I got out of the shower that a recently lost a bit of weight and don’t look too bad, physically, when standing up at least (sitting down showing the fat more of course).

An Awesome and… Interesting… Night Out

Yesterday I went to Portsmouth, firstly to do some uni work, but also secondly to attend my friend’s birthday. I met him and a friend of his at the uni library and we went to KFC. Then we went back to his, stopping at the Co-Op on the way, where I got two four-packs of Buds for £6. We spent the next few hours with a few of his friends, watching Big Bang Theory and drinking. Then we played Ring of Fire, which I wasn’t very good at because I was paying too much attention to selecting music from his iPod to play on the speakers, so I had to drink a lot, especially on the “last one to do whatever has to drink” cards. We had shots of vodka and wine (because they ran out of vodka).

After that we went out to a pub for about an hour or two. I only had two drinks there since I was already pretty drunk from drinking the 6 Buds. By this time it was about midnight and some of the group decided they’d head back to their houses. Only four of us stayed out. We were wondering through the main pub street near the Guildhall, thinking about what club or pub to go to.

It was at that point that a woman came up to us and gave us cards that apparently got us free entry to this strip club they have there. I thought it was funny but didn’t think we’d actually go in. But my friend decided he wanted to go in (it was his birthday after all), so we did go in. I wasn’t really prepared for what I saw when I got in there.

I said to myself that I wouldn’t pay for a stripper because for one thing, it costs money that would be better spent (in my opinion) trying to get with a girl in a club, which can lead to better things (although that wouldn’t happen). Secondly, it’s a lot of money in itself (£20 for a lap-dance). Thirdly, you’re not allowed to touch them (obviously) which means that it seems quite pointless – all about the visual, not the physical, and I get enough of the visual with porn.

But several women walking around in nothing but lingerie tends to do strange things to a supposedly fairly intelligent male mind. Also, when everyone else has decided they’re going to go for it you tend not to want to be left out – that is to say, sitting alone while they go off in the back with no company aside from the women walking around in lingerie who only talk to you when they want you to pay them for a dance. Yes, you know that’s the only reason they talk to you, but they do it in such a way that you can’t help but find sincere and not just money-grabbing.

The actual ‘event’, shall we say, was a bit strange. You go into a lounge area, behind a curtain. Since I was quite drunk I didn’t find it as exciting as I thought I might (no-touching non-withstanding). But it was still very… nice. You tend to forget everything else when there is a girl in front of you stripping, rubbing up against your crotch with their bottom or mouth or rubbing up against your leg with their body. Especially for people (i.e. me) who have not got laid yet. Once it was over – which was a bit too quickly for my liking – she offered “for another £20, a two for one deal, with a lesbian show” (that is to say, another £20 for another lap-dance/strip with two girls for me, with some lesbian action between the two). I was tempted but managed to resist, saying “no thanks”.

So I went back out and sat with my friends, and we all bought a drink each. After a short while some girls came up to us again (different ones), and asked if we wanted more. We initially resisted but soon gave in – as I say, it’s too tempting when they’re standing there with hardly any clothes on. So another £20 was handed over and the same happened again (albeit with a different woman, doing a few different moves, with a bonus of a kiss on the cheek, which was a nice touch. It seems to be a ploy for more money as one of the other guys cited this as a major reason for going for a third dance, the second with this girl, after which he revealed that, since he’d payed so much, she said he didn’t have to worry so much about the no-touching rule, although how he took advantage of this, he didn’t say.) I then regretted not going for the earlier offer since I would have spent the same amount of money but got an extra girl and a ‘lesbian show’ thrown in.

So yeah, it was an interesting night and another first for me!