A Big Project

Skype recently changed their set of emoticons and I hated them, so I decided to downgrade to a previous version. This got me thinking about things. How we are subject to the whims of tech companies who want to change their product. I don’t think it’s good to rely on them since they often make bad decisions such as this. After that I decided that I would get my Skype message history with J-O and export it so I could view it outside Skype.

Unfortunately, there’s no easy way to do this. Apparently, older version used to be able to export your chat history to a HTML file, but that’s no longer possible. So I had to go into the chat history and select ‘See history’ then ‘Messages from: All time”. That took about 10 minutes to load up, almost crashing Skype, because it’s almost 1 1/2 years worth of chatting almost every day (although slightly less time than that because I’m only doing her old account tonight, she had a newer account since then). I then had to copy and paste it into Notepad++.

However, when I tried to save it as a HTML file I realised it would just be one endless line without formatting. So I used the TextFX plugin’s ‘find/replace’ feature to insert <br> tags at the start of each message line. But when I then loaded it up in my browser I realised there were no emoticons. However, I happened to have, so I could post them on here, the full set of (now old) Skype emoticons. So I again used ‘find/replace’ several times for the different emoticons, turning them from just text – e.g. : ) – into emoticons, e.g. . It looks a lot better now but ideally I’d like to break it up so which day/month it is is more clear, but that will be one hell of a job so I’ll leave it until I have a lot more time on my hands.

The only trouble was that, once I’d done it, I had to check how it looked. And of course, I couldn’t help but start reading it. I read all of it until the day I asked her out, which was 2 months after she’d contacted me, during which we’d been talking to each other pretty much every day. I also looked at random times after that. What struck me was how innocent it all was, how perfect it was. It was amazing that we would be happy to talk to each other every day, and we’d always say nice things about each other. We’d be able to find the most mundane things interesting. How we’d say how strongly we felt about each other, how much we wanted to meet and do so many things together.

I really miss that. I miss having somebody I could talk to every day. I miss having somebody I can talk with about anything. I miss hearing about her day, her feelings, her concerns, her dreams. I miss all the nice things we’d say to each other, the hopes we’d share, the times we’d spend just looking at each other via webcam, how we were content just lying in bed together, our microphones on, just listening to each other breathe for a while before we go to bed. You can argue it wasn’t real. She sometimes says it wasn’t real. But it felt real to both of us at the time. It still feels real to me now. I don’t want to lose that, even though I’ve already lost it.

At least I still have the memories…

Rubbish Nights Out

The other day I went out with a friend to town (along with 4 of his friends). We kept moving from place to place, staying less than an hour in each one, just drinking and talking a little. In the third place we went to, we met this two 25-year-olds who were a couple and we went to 2 other places with them. All my friend’s friend’s were guys, not good-looking ones at that, it was so depressing to see them all dancing with just this one woman there, often dancing quite close, when her boyfriend was right there. It was strange.

I seriously have no idea why I ever go out to town with this friend. Every time it’s the same: we go to a few clubs, drink, dance a bit with him and his friends, they try pathetically to hit on women, and after a while I give up and leave. From now on I won’t ever go out with him to town, no matter how many times he asks. It’s just so pointless just to get drunk for the sake of it and not have much fun.

Bloody hell I wish I had a girlfriend…

Internet Dating Sites?

I’ve been thinking recently that I should try internet dating sites. I mean, it’s looking unlikely that I will meet anybody in the normal way any time soon, so why not have a go with it? I’m not saying I’m going to do it any time soon, though. I’d wait until I’ve finished uni at least, since it would only be adding another distraction to my life, and being in third year, about to start properly writing my dissertation, distractions is not what I need.

The only thing is, I wouldn’t want to pay to join any site, I’m not that desperate. Are there even any free dating sites? Surly there must be some somewhere, right? I haven’t looked into it so I don’t know, this is only really a ‘thought experiment’ at this stage. Since most people on the internet love things being free – just look at the massive open-source community – there must be some, wouldn’t you think?

At the same time though, even if there was such a site, would they even have anybody my age on there? Isn’t internet dating for, I dunno, 30, 40+ people? Would they even have any members who live in Southampton? Where do people my age turn to when they want an easier way to find a relationship? Do they just not think about it in that way?

Forgetting Her…. ish…

Some of my blog followers have been saying on Twitter recently that I should try and forget about J-O, that it isn’t worth it. I wasn’t inclined to agree with them, until yesterday. I kept seeing her liking photos of her on that Facebook ticker thing, and every time I just had to look. I couldn’t stand seeing photos of her, making me realise how much I miss her, how I feel about her. So I decided to do something about it.

I thought, though, that I didn’t want to block her completely or anything. I still like her, yes, I still want to be with her in the future. She said she would still like to be with me in the future. Although we haven’t talked in ages, she said she still wanted us to meet up sometimes.

So I decided, firstly, to remove any reference of her from my desktop or start menu on my laptop. Secondly, I signed out of Skype and stopped it signing in when I start up my laptop, since she’s the only reason I ever have to use it (but I’m not blocking her). Lastly, I ‘unsubscribed’ from her Facebook updates, so she won’t appear in my newsfeed or in the ticker. I will also limit myself to viewing her profile once a week, maximum.

Hopefully all of these things combined will help me forget about her. Well, not exactly forget about her, since I still want to be with her in the future, and she may want to meet up soon (it’s unlikely though, I suspect). But it will (hopefully) make me stop missing her, stop feeling so strongly about her – give myself a more objective viewpoint on the whole situation. She’s basically forgotten about me, I will basically forget about her. I just can’t stand this torture any more.

Virginity Poll

I have been thinking about sex recently and I decided that, as with my thoughts about first kisses, at what age people lose their virginity? So I decided to do a poll. I’ve put a fairly wide range of ages but I do hope that if the age you lost your virginity isn’t an option, you write it in the comments!

Also, if you haven’t lost your virginity yet, please post your thoughts on the subject in the comments!

Strange Dream Last Night

I had a really strange dream last night. It was really long and kind of rambling.

It started off at this mansion by a beach on a hot summers day. I went outside and there was a load of my extended family there, all talking and drinking at several tables. My aunt was also there, the one who died recently. Then J-O arrived with some of her friends, but didn’t say hello to me, but quickly disappeared.

Shortly after that I went over to talk to my auntie and my nan. However, me and my nan soon realised we were both dreaming, that my auntie was dead, and so my nan started crying. My mum came over to comfort her and started crying too.

At that point I decided to look for J-O, so I walked into the nearby town, which turned out to be Portsmouth. I kept leaping around like Spiderman trying to find her, but I had no luck.

I started walking back to the mansion but then I bumped into some of my friends. They said they had someone they’d like me to meet. They went into this shop and introduced me to a girl who worked there. We said hi and then she asked if I wanted to go on a date with her. I said yes, we arranged the time and date, then the dream ended.

A Little Indicator of My Mood

Here’s a little indication of my mood today. Here are the songs I’ve listened to today, according to my last.fm profile:

• Travis – Why Does It Always Rain On Me?
• Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Maps
• Doyle & The Fourfathers – Nationally Anthemic
• D12 – How Come
• The Streets – Dry Your Eyes
• Doyle & the Fourfathers – When Will The Children Learn?
• Travis – Sing
• Eminem – Beautiful
• Franz Ferdinand – Walk Away
• The Killers – Somebody Told Me
• Red Hot Chilli Peppers – Snow ((Hey Oh))
• The Killers – When You Were Young

Missing Her

I miss being able to talk to her every day. I miss hearing about her day, her asking me about my day. The little things. A smilie. A kiss emoticon. Using one of our pet names. Talking to her through Skype audio or video chat. Going to bed at the same time. Saying goodnight to each other. Lying in our beds while we have our webcams on and just talking for a while, or just lying there, staring into each other’s eyes.

I miss her so much. I miss what we had. I wish we could go back to how things were.

Wondering What Could Be

I see you everywhere
In any girl with curly hair

I keep checking your facebook
I can’t help but look

I just want to talk to you now
But you won’t want to know

I can hold you once a week
But your enthuiasm is meek

I want to be with you like we were
But you don’t want it

So all I can do is sit here
Imagining what could be

The Dilemma

Today I went on facebook
Checked your profile
Saw you had photos
I looked for a while

There I can see you
In your cute little dress
Looking so pretty and happy
My tears, I cannot repress

Your new friends can cheer you
While I cannot now
My persuasion to keep me
Seems so selfish now

I wish I could make you
Happy with me once more
Instead of seeming to
Regard me as a chore

I hope to rekindle
That spark once again
But if I should let her go
I will be forever in pain